I have regained 10 pounds that I had lost. Here is what I have learned.

1. I do not have to allow the weight gain to send me on a shame spiral.
2. I still believe that losing my excess weight is completely inevitable because I am making such powerful progress on my internal healing.
3. I began to think that I was so good at weight loss that I could eat anything I wanted. That was foolish.
4. My exercise program program is essential to my healthy eating.
5. I can recapture the lost ground by making a few simple eating habit changes.
6. I need to find an OA meeting to attend that fits into my new schedule.

May 5

-I recently moved to a new apartment. During the 5 day moving process, I regained 4 pounds. I was unhappy about it, but not depressed. I think that is strong progress. I still get lots of “You look good” comments.

-I lost the 4 pounds I had regained. That reinforces the idea that it is the shame not the eating that is at the bottom of my problem. Because I did not allow food shame to inflict its powerful damage, I lost the weight comfortably, without a conscious effort.

-I have two distinct problems. The most basic is the food shame. The second problem are the eating habits I have developed in a misguided effort to deal with my eating pain. That is why diets don’t work for me. Diets only focus on the habit.

-Diets are, in fact, counter productive. Paying attention to the habits without dealing with the shame makes the shame more powerful even if it results in a temporary weight loss. The increase in shame ultimately makes the bad habits more deeply embedded.

-One of the deep shames I feel is the feeling that I can not attract a woman strongly enough to win and keep her love. I remember the moment, when I was 16, that it sunk in to me that I was not going to ever win consistant love and nurture from my Mom.

-The most telling thing about the last entry, [immediately above], is that I felt I had to win her love. The design of God for me, was that I would have her love automatically based on her own character and personality, not on my performance.

-The other aspect of my shame and healthy eating struggles, is the result of all the molestation I endured. I feel the need to not be attractive precisely because I feel I want to protect myself from attracting more molestation..

April 23

I decided to start writing this journal again. I am doing this for two reasons.

First, I have lost about 20 pounds. However, I have stayed at the same weight pretty well since I stopped writing. I have not regained any weight, thank God. That is good. However, maybe this journal was more helpful to me than I realized.

Second, I heard that several people have drawn courage from the journal. They have lost a very significant amount of weight. That is their victory not mine. However, that is the way it is supposed to work. I found strength in the love and acceptance of my daughters. Others have been encouraged by what I have written. Now I am writing again because of my loved ones sharing about their victory.

I am convinced that my compulsive overeating is driven by my shame. I can not battle shame by myself. If I listen lovingly as you share your shame, I can take your shame from you and pass it on to my Higher Power. Then you return the gift of acceptance back to me. That “Loving exchange among members” is the heart and soul of my 12 Step program.

April 24

In the Bible in the book of Romans, the Apostle Paul quotes an Old Testament scripture. He is using the Old Testament passage to describe the work of Christ.

He writes, “The reproaches of them who reproached thee, have fallen on me.”

Matthew was a hated tax collector. Jesus took the shame that had been dumped on Matthew, and gave Matthew the honor that God had given to Jesus as God’s son. Mary Magdalene was described by her culture as demon possessed. As such, she deeply shamed. Jesus took the shame of Mary, and gave Mary the honor that God had given to Jesus as God’s son.

I don’t need to be forgiven for my compulsive overeating. It is a disease, not a sin. I do need to talk and write about my eating shame so I can trade my shame for the loving honor given to me by the members of my OA group and by you as you respond to what I write.

April 25

I am feeling the old food/exercise rebellion. Here are the three A’s

Admit- By writing and talking about the rebellion

Accept-I am not in a good place. I need the exercise and I need to eat healthily and I am powerless over food.

Action- Ask my Higher power for help. Find an OA meeting, refuse shame.

There is no use fighting this battle on my own. I need help. Specifically I need the help from Higher Power I find in the hearts of my loved ones.

April 26

I need people who are willing to listen to me and not judge me or minimize the the food shame pain I feel by saying something like “You just need to make up your mind and do the right thing.” The right thing is find fellowship, not jack up my will power. Putting shame preasure on my self is exactly counter productive. Shame controbutes powerfully to my compulsive eating.

Mar 5

I have gone through a few days of food panic. Over the last weekend, I ate cookies, candy, pretzels, bean and cheese burritos and so on. After a day or two my scale told me I had gained three pounds. Here are some of my fear thoughts:

1.  I am destined to regain all the weight I lost. There is nothing I can do about it.

2.  Why even try?

3.  No woman will ever be attracted to me.

4.  I am so ugly.

5. I am going to be so embarrassed when I regain all this weight.

6.  My kids are going to lose respect for me.

7.  Maybe I should just move.

8. And on and on creating new fear thoughts, restating thew fears listed above and thinking the repeat was a new thought.

Mar 6

I saw an old OA friend at a meeting of another program. After the meeting, I whispered in her ear, “I had a horrible food weekend. Please pray for me.”

She smiled at me very sweetly and gave me a hug. Much of my fear immediately left. I do not need new information. Mostly, I need to be reminded of the old truths like,”Talk to each other.”

Mar 7

The weight gain was a false alarm. I have not gained weight. However, the compulsive eating I have been doing has stopped the weight loss cold.

Maybe I need to go back to thinking in terms of healthy eating instead of weight loss. I wonder if weighing myself and recording it each day is counter productive.

Mar 8

I am getting more and more curious about what life would feel like if I was fully abstinent:

1.  Who would that person be?

2. Would I be all uptight about food?

3. Would it solve any emotional problem other than food consumption?

4.  Would I have to face fears I really do not want to fear.

5.  Would I reduce my shame load?

6. What would life be like if there was no food celebration?

Mar 9

When I read the Psalms in the bible, and see the word enemies, I think of the frightening voices that operate in my head. Some people call those voices their committee.

My committee always tells me the very same lies.

1. I will ultimately lose all my love ones and be alone.

2. If only…….

3.  What if……..

4. Five desserts will make it all better. [Or salty, greasy foods]

5. I am adequate and can only keep people in the dark about my  inadequacies so long.

6.  And so on.

At least I could make my committee work a little harder. I could refuse to give credence to the old lies so they have to make up new ones.

Feb 27

I have weighed in at the same weight for 11 days. I spent some time reflecting on my eating I engaged in, over the last week or so. I found that I have made almost a daily concession to unhealthy eating. The fattening treat I ate one day, somehow disconnected from the treat I ate the next day. I would never let myself fully look at the fact that I was cheating once or twice a day.

I like the idea of conscious eating. In fact, I want to live consciously in every aspect of my life. Too much just floats by me without me noticing. If I want to just let my mind wander, like when I am riding my bike, I want to consciously decide to just let it drift. Of course, I will only be able to live consciously imperfectly. I consciously decide that that is acceptable.

Feb 28

I went to the Clinic this AM for a blood test. Afterwards, I was very hungry. Fortunately, I had some easily prepared food that I liked and that I needed to use up waiting for me at home. I decided just to treat my mild hunger feelings as a good thing that would enhance my food when I got home. I will admit that Burger King sorely tempted me.

I also thought of getting a Maple, Oatmeal, nut Scone at Starbucks. There was a time I felt that I needed Starbucks 4 or 5 times a week. This morning, it did not even sound tempting. It is so encouraging to me, to see my eating preferences change. I also thought of a big egg, bacon, potato, and toast breakfast without it appealing to me.

Mar 1

I am rediscovering the power of prayer. I have been so persuaded that I am powerless over food that I have been fatalistic about the certainty of my eating failures. Using the OA meditation books has encouraged me to feel good power in regard to my eating habits.

The last two days have been eating successes for me. It is not that I feel power, as much as the temptation to eat unwisely is so weak.

Feb 16

My goal today is to get started exercising again. I always feel so much better when I tire my body out some. I plan to ride my bike and to lift some weights.

There was a time that I wanted to exercise so much that I could eat whatever I wanted. The result was that I got so tired that I tried eating in order to re-energize my self.

I have now learned that I want to eat normally in order to feel abstinent. Feeling abstinent is just another way for me to say feeling serene.

Feb 17

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.”

Things God can change but I can not:

1. I am a compulsive over-eater.

2.  My weight

3. The shape of my body.

4.  The shame I feel over how I look.

The more open I am about food, eating, weight, shame, hurts and the like the less power my compulsive overeating has. For example, writing this journal really helps.

Those of you who have responded helped me more than you may realize.

Feb 18

“The courage to change the things I can.”

The things I can change:

1. I can find safe places where I can share openly about my shame.

2. I can ask God to help me desire abstinence.

3.  I can engage in prayer and meditation.

4.  With God’s help, I can resist the temptation to hammer myself after an eating mistake.

5. I can hang around healthy people.

Feb 19

At a meeting I went to a few days ago, I saw a woman who was also in the OA program. I told her I had lost 17 pounds. She was happy for me.

As the meeting was just after Valentines Day, there was a big supply of candy over by the coffee. When  got my coffee I secretly took a piece of chocolate. I slipped around the corner to eat it. I did not want my OA friend to see me indulging my sugar urge.

I quickly realized that my desire to eat secretly was unnecessary. It was part of my old behavior. Secret eating was a powerful part of my eating compulsivity.

I did not fess up to my friend. I guess I need to do that.

Feb 20

Today is a birthday party here at the Senior Housing Center where I live. Normally I eat a small piece of cake and a little ice cream. Because I so seldom eat sweets, the cake and ice cream seem overly sweet to me. No one would care at all if I did not eat the treats, but it makes me feel left out. Or else, if I don’t eat the treats I tell myself I am left out.

I am talking to a very pretty woman. I can not tell if she is interested or just being friendly. My first response is to say, if I lose this weight she might be willing to go out with me.

There is absolutely no doubt that I would be more attractive if I lost weight, both in terms of my appearance and  my confidence. However, trying to lose weight for some one else has never worked for me. I have lost weight that way, but then I just regain it. I am trying for a lifestyle, eating change.

Feb 21

Good news, bad news.

Good news. I stepped away from the party to go to the restroom. While I was gone, they served the cake and ice cream. I could have asked to be served, but I did not.

Bad news. I made a delicious chicken noodle casserole. unfortunately, I used refined flour noodles. I am thinking about throwing it away. I am not sure I could eat it in small portions once a day. It just tastes too good for that.

When I weighed this morning the news was not good. I felt the old scale shame for the first time in weeks. I felt like my days of moderate eating were doomed. I still know that shame drives compulsive eating and is most unhealthy. I have not defeated the shame as of this writing. I have asked for HP help.

Feb 22

I read in a piece of OA literature this AM, that God is like the sun. God shines on everyone. I was surprised that I was surprised brought a loving God to people.

I suppose that there is so much guilt and shame connected with eating in my heart, that I expected judgment from an OA Higher Power. I have never experienced anything negative at a meeting. Still, I read my own self condemnation into those loving people.

Feb 10
I have been on a marvelous retreat. It was so healing and encouraging.

I continue to lose weight. I have lost 15 pounds in the last year. I do not mind the scale since it is giving me such good news. I am hoping that my time to be normally weighted is about a year away. If that happens, my knees wil be very happy.

My life is a normal mixture of good things and painful things. The painful things have served to dig up 60 year old pain that was not available to me otherwise. It is a bit like an emotional rotor rooter, but it is well worth it.

The result is the beginning of the deepest peace I have ever known. the peace I am coming to, is not the false peace of buried pain but the peace of a dealt with soul.

Feb 11

Panic time!! Yesterday my scale registered a 2 pound weight gain. I could feel the fear rising. I could not quite fight it off, but I did not become obsessed by it either.

Today, the 2 pound loss is gone. The fear of yesterday reminded me of much it means to me to not put this weight back on.  As a result, I am having less trouble with compulsive eating today.

Feb 12

I am beginning to identify with the folks in OA. They seem so sweet to me. I feel no judgment from them. I have worked so long and so hard on my recovery, that much of the underlying fear is gone. Therefore the OA ideas are easy to absorb.

Nothing I have heard shared in OA seems foreign to me. Sometimes what is shared is more a part of my past than my present, but it all is very familiar.

Feb 13

Someone has said that there is no use praying for “B”, no matter how fervently, if what you want is “A”. My prayers for abstinence are more effective now. I think the reason is that I really want abstinence now.

It seems like yesterday’s prayer is ineffective for today. I need to renew my commitment to abstinence every day.

Feb 14

The thing about praying for abstinence that gets to me, is my fear of failure. If I refuse to let my imperfection worry me, then I am more willing to try abstinence.

Yesterday, I feel I was abstinent except I ate some white rice at lunch. I may have eaten one too many whole wheat tortillas with peanut butter and a little honey. I think that means I was imperfectly abstinent.

That idea gives me some peace. I can see complete abstinence would be a gift for me from my HP.

Feb 15

I lost another pound today. At least the scale said I lost a pound. I go up and down, but week to week, there is a steady downward trend.

I have received some very wonderful encouragement in the past few weeks. Some of the compliments came to me as comments on this website. You can read them below if you like.Â

I am asking myself, “What would happen if I managed to accept the wonderful things people are saying as the truth about myself”. That is a scary thought.

1. Would I slip into arrogance?

2. Would I lose my ability to identify with people in pain?

3. Would I even be the same person.

4. Would that even be delusional?

Jan 29

I missed a few days writing in this journal. However, I have a good excuse. I have been having a fun time. The next few days look just as good. I am even enjoying food more, because I tend to be hungrier when I eat.

All the years of facing my deepest fears and insecurities have begun to pay off in a wonderful way. I sleep well, I am never hungry in an unpleasant way, I continue to lose weight, and I am far more able to accept and enjoy the love and support of the people who love me.

Of course, not everyone loves me, but that is one of the things all of us human beings have in common. It is rewarding to me that I no longer need to have the love of everyone. That is because my needs are thoroughly met.

Jan 30

I am finding a deep sense of safety. I use to think I felt safe when I buried my feelings in food and fat. It is a very different feeling to stay in touch with my feelings, face my fears and keep them turned over to my Higher Power.

Then I am able to be profoundly alive. I can be thrilled with the mind blowing goodness and beauty of the world I live in. There is plenty of tragedy and heartache in my world. I can not change that. However, I can ask God to “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.” That leaves me free to incorporate wonder and beauty.

Of course, turning things over sometimes needs to be done many times in the course of a day. That is something I am learning to do.

Jan 21

The way I have used food to comfort myself resulted in me gradually losing contact with the very people that could have offered me the real comfort and warmth I so longed for. I am reminded of a passage in the writings of the prophet Jeremiah.

Through Jeremiah, God gives the people this image. “You have abandoned the springs of pure , clear, sweet water that I gave you. Instead you have hewed out cisterns that gather water that stagnates. Not only that, Your cisterns leak.”

That is a powerful image for the comfort I have given myself with food. It is stale comfort at best. Besides being inadequate comfort, the weak comfort food gives me quickly disappears.

Jan 22

I feel rewarded because I have lost at least 10 pounds. I have also added muscle through weight lifting.

I am writing this to reduce my fear. I am still afraid I will jinx this process by talking about it. Maybe I am afraid in an outdated sense. For example, if I write this, I am being proud and God will punish my hubris by causing me to regain the weight.

Of course, that fear is unwarranted. HP is not afraid of me feeling successful. The entire Universe is behind my desire to eat in a healthy way.

I suppose it would destructive if I thought I was better than other people because of the weight loss. However, that is not the way I feel. I have known so much shame and failure in regard to food , that I feel my weight loss can be hopeful for other people. In other words, If I can lose weight, anyone can.

Jan 23

A few minutes ago, I found out more details of my family history of child abuse. Apparently, the abuse goes back generations. People that were abusive to me, were themselves abused and so on back in time.

No wonder, that there is also a long family history of compulsive overeating. I know, I felt a need to hide my true self behind a thick layer of fat. I see, I must not be judgmental toward myself or anyone else. I am gaining understanding while I am losing judgmentalism.

I think it is safe for me to allow my true self out. God, please help me do just exactly that.

Jan 24

For years, I tried to exercise my way to health. I did that because I did not want to have to limit food intake. I did not want to limit food intake because it frightened me so badly to do so.

My exercise program is more reasonable now. With my food intake somewhat under control, and my exercise program more balanced I am doing well today.

I actually get more exercise over a few months time than I used to, When I exercised excessively, I frequently injured myself or so exhausted myself, that I would not workout for weeks or months at a time.

Jan 25

This has been a good day. I am eating plenty of veggies now. The scale news continues to be good. I have great support when one of life’s hard things comes my way. I am learning how loved I am and I am better able to receive the love when it is offered.

The key for me was learning to allow my loved ones to support me when I am discouraged. If I get the help I need from family and friends, both the pleasant and unpleasant events of my life end up working for me.

The comfort of food is a most hollow comfort. The comfort of people is rich and satisfying.

Jan 14

I have had a dessert two days in a row. I felt I had to reward myself after some hard work, by eating a brownie at Starbucks. Yesterday I was served a scoop of ice cream and a piece of supermarket, over-frosted cake. I did not want the cake and ice cream and ate it to be social. At least I did not eat the frosting.

It was hard to do, but I did not feel very much remorse over eating all that greasy sugar. I did feel some shame when my scale showed a gain of one pound.

Weighing myself every day keeps me form compartmentalizing my weight away so I am freer to eat compulsively. On the other hand, weighing myself can provoke unhealthy shame.

Writing this helps. Maybe I should phone someone and ‘fess up. I am not there yet.

Jan 15

More problems. On my bike ride, I went into Rubio’s to get a fish taco. I ended up getting a bean and cheese burrito. Damn that salty grease flavor.

So now I am face to face with the problem of my perfectionism. Because I ate in an unhealthy way today, I can choose to decide that I can never learn to eat healthy. If I do that, I will probably binge. Here is just one more example of how food shame drives unhealthy eating.

By the way, all that grease made me nauseated. I had to sit down for five minutes to avoid throwing up. I got a big drink of water and that settled me down.

Jan 16

The people that love me often invite me over for dinner. They always serve me lots of healthy food, fixed the way I like it. That reminds me of a phrase in the 23rd psalm. “Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies.” Not just a meal, but a whole table full of food.

Where did I get the idea that I was in a battle against the universe to get enough food. God wants me fed abundantly. I can learn to lay down my food terror.

“In the presence of my enemies.” My enemies live inside my own head. They want me to persist in my habitual fear and food shame. God mocks my enemies by setting an abundant table before me, day after day.

Jan 17

I have been doing some resistance training most days. That includes a session on an Ab Lounge.

After one over vigorous session, my stomach muscles were a little sore. As I was watching the Lakers that evening, I noticed that I had a hunger that just seemed to hang on all evening.

I took a few minutes to center myself so I could observe what was going on. I discovered that what I thought was hunger was really just over exercised stomach muscles. Apparently, I interpret all low-level pain in my midsection as hunger.

Since then, I pause for a few seconds to make sure that what I am feeling is really hunger. It is fear that makes hurry a part of all my unhealthy eating.

Jan 18

I had an enlightening experience this morning. I woke up feeling down. If I am going to feel down, that is when it’s going to happen. I went outside to get a paper. A young woman was walking by with her dog which was a pit bull named Sadie. Sadie looked at me like she wanted to be petted. Her tail was wagging energetically.

I asked the girl if I could pet her dog. She said I could. Sadie was so sweet and cute. Petting her was 120 seconds well spent.

I thanked God for the experience because it went a long way toward cheering me up. Then I spent a few minutes absorbing the experience. A long time ago a good friend said, “When something nice floats by you in your stream, take a stick and pull it out. Don’t just let it drift by.” Good advice.

When I thought about the experience, I realized that Sadie had given me more legitimate comfort in a time of need than a whole plate of food would have given me. There was no post binge shame to deal with either.

Jan 19

I used to call myself over-sensitive. One of my therapists taught me to change that to saying that I was exquisitely sensitive.

Being highly sensitive is a great gift. It has enriched my life. However, it is a very tough gift to manage. Being sensitive can eat me alive if I don’t deal with it maturely.

The first thing I try to remember is, ” Don’t take anything personally.” My experience tells me that if I assume the other person loves me, or at least has no intention of hurting me, I am much better off. Most of the time, if I put the best possible spin on each circumstance, I come far closer to the truth than if I tell myself a negative story about what has happened.

In other words I need to learn two things in regard to food.

1. There are far better and more effective ways to handle stress than eating over it.
2. A positive attitude drastically reduces my stress and thereby makes my eating much easier to handle.