When my four girls were small, my Mother lived with us for a while. One time the kids were concerned about my Mom dying. She told them a sweet story.

She said “I love being alive. It is like living in a two story house. There is a party on the first floor. I especially like this party because you girls and your Mommy and Daddy are at the party with me. It is a wonderful party. It has good food, interesting conversations, children playing, singing, story telling, and many other happy things to enjoy .

There is a second party going on upstairs. It is an even better party. You can’t go to the second party until you get your invitation. All of us will get an invitation someday, but some of us will have to wait a little longer.

I think I am going to get my invitation before you children get yours. When I am invited upstairs, I will be a little sad, because I won’t be with you for a while. But I will also be excited, because I know the party upstairs is such a fun party, and because I know you will be at the upstairs party with me someday.

While I am upstairs enjoying my party, I will be thinking of you. I will dream of the day you will get your invitation so that we can all be together, forever. When you come to the upstairs party I will be waiting for you. I will be so, so happy to see you. But in the meantime, I will remember that,  you are enjoying a very wonderful party downstairs.”

When I was a baby, less than a month old, I caught whooping cough. Whooping cough is a very dangerous disease for an infant. It was especially dangerous back then before all the healing graces of modern medicine were available.

My family was very afraid that I was going to die. Someone stayed with me 24 hours a day for the two weeks that my sickness lasted. They had to leave me on the bed and not try to hold me, because holding me seemed to make the coughing more severe.

I was totally exhausted because I couldn’t eat very well and the coughing kept waking me up. I fought for every breath, and every breath sounded like it was going to be my last. Whoever watched me, had a terrible time of it.

I have tried to imagine how being that sick felt to me as a baby. None of my most basic needs were being met; needs like food, rest, comfort, nurture.  I must have felt like I had come into a terrifying world where there wasn’t enough air available to keep me alive.

I am sure I thought that I was on my own with no one to help. I must have been frustrated that I couldn’t express what I wanted, nor could I have even known what I wanted. I lived in abandoned, wordless, comfortless, overwhelming anxiety.

I also wonder how God came to me. I don’t think I had an awareness of God’s nearness but God was there. In my wordless, abstractionless world, what was my spiritual reality like? I can not imagine it.

But I know God helped me. God gave me the strength and courage to keep fighting. God gave me the power to demand that my world give me just one more breath, then one more, and then one more. For two weeks, I didn’t wear out or give up. I waged a fierce war against death.

I fought my way through a seemingly overwhelming battle and I won. After a few months had gone by, it seemed clear to everyone that my physical health had not been damaged by my ordeal.

Today I believe that this terrible disease actually served me. I want to explain.

The next twenty years were very difficult for me. I experienced terrible neglect and abuse. My Dad killed himself with my gun when I was fifteen. I was often hungry. I did not receive the nurture and support I so desperately needed, but I survived and found a way to gradually become healthy and happy. I have had, and continue to have a good life.

I think the whooping cough experience taught me what I needed to know to prosper despite the abuse and neglect. Here is what I learned in 14 horrible days of sickness when I was a few weeks old. I could not have put it into words then, but I can now.

1. My growing up experience was going to be extremely difficult.

2. I was going to have to fight for survival.

3. Another more serene way of life was out there somewhere.

4. If I fought as hard and as long as I needed to, I could find it.

5. God would give me the necessary strength to win.

I do not believe God gave me whooping cough. That is not the way the Higher Power I know and love operates. God seized on the opportunity presented my  illness.  I had the disease. That was a given. God simply acted to make an awful experience that I was having, work for me. If I was going to attend the school of suffering anyway, God made sure I got full tuition value.

There are three approaches I can take as I am faced with human need. Only one of the approaches allows me to feel satisfied with my performance while at the same time, giving me the capacity to lead an enjoyable, complete life.

The first strategy I can use is to ignore human need. If I do that, I will die spiritually.

The second strategy is to face human need on the basis of human need. If I do that, I will die physically and spiritually. This second strategy is the way I have lived most of my life.

The third strategy is to live according to the 11th step. The 11th step tells me I have the right to ask God for his will for my life. Asking God for knowledge of his will seems like a huge privilege to me.

If I face human need according to the will of God several things become true

1. I only have to help the specific people God directs me to help. I will see many other people with compelling needs, but I will have no responsibilities toward them.

2. My efforts to help someone have a far better chance of succeeding, if I am helping the person because God has asked me to help them. If I am trying to help them just because they need help, too many times my attempts to help have only made their life worse.

3. My life will be greatly enhanced by the helping experience. When I helped others according to the cruel dictates of my needy, insecure personality, my health and quality of life were frequently damaged. On the other hand, only helping the people God assigns to me leaves me plenty of time and energy to live a responsible, enjoyable life.

3. Living according to God’s will avoids the situation where I am really not trying to help the other person. What I am actually trying to do is to ease my sense of inferiority at the expense of the other person’s need.

4. I do not expect to do God’s will perfectly. In fact, finding and carrying out God’s will 70% of the time is my goal. I think doing the right thing 70% of the time would make me a pretty good man.

5. If my goal is to do God’s will, the times I don’t get it exactly right, work out just fine. I have a personal saying, “My humanness is in my contract with my Higher Power.”

There is a charming story in the gospels. Jesus has come to the home of his friends Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. Martha is exhausting herself with her legitimate responsibilities as a hostess. Mary is sitting at the feet of Jesus, busily learning the things that only he could teach.

Jesus, who was the hottest subject of conversation in their town because of his wisdom and power, had no reluctance about teaching a woman. Mary was not going to miss this chance to learn at the feet of the greatest master she would ever meet.

Martha on the other hand was preoccupied with getting the necessary work done. Jesus acknowledges her hard work and was certainly grateful for what she was doing.

When Martha got Jesus attention, she complained about what she perceived as Mary’s laziness. Martha wanted Jesus to tell Mary to come help her. Instead, he told her that Mary had made the better choice.

Then he made a remark to Martha that instructs me. He said “One thing is needful.” What one thing was needful? Listening to the Son of God was the one needful thing.

If my life is very full, and I feel I have one hundred things to do with the same minute, it helps me to remember that only one thing is needful. I can safely pause to listen to God speak. Then I can do the one thing God is saying to do and leave the other ninety nine to the care of God.

God never asks me to do two things with the same moment. All I need to do is to ask God for knowledge of his will in terms of what to do next and the power to carry that next thing out. I can give that one thing my entire attention. Everything else that concerns me is best dealt with, at that moment, by turning it over to God.

I may be concerned about house repairs, my kids and grandkids, program friends, phone calls, writing bills and so on. What I need to do is the one thing God is telling me to do at that time. God will handle everything else.Some program people call that one thing the next indicated thing.

When I was at the mission, I was faced with literally overwhelming human need. If I lived my day by seeking and doing the one thing I had to do next, I could go to bed that night and sleep. I did not need to feel guilty about all the people less fortunate than I, that I did not help. They were not my job. I had done my job and now I could rest.

In my experience, God is highly organized if I do things his way, in his order; I am astounded by how much serenity I enjoy, and by how much work I get done.

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There is an old hymn I used to sing as a boy going to Baptist churches. It is  “When We All Get To Heaven.” I like the picture of paradise this hymn gave to me. Let me explain.

I recently spent some time with a daughter and her family that live out of town. I felt badly when I left because I wasn’t going to see them for a while. To be with my daughter that lives near me, I had to leave the daughter that lives in another state. I like the picture of Heaven that says a day is coming when the whole family is going to be together, forever.

Of course, those of us that sang that hymn back then did not really mean all. We really were singing about all of us good Baptists getting to Heaven. We never specifically excluded other born again denominations, but underneath, I think we thought that we were the only ones making it for sure.

Denominations that were like The Baptists were probably OK. Pentecostals were more questionable. We talked about some Catholics actually being saved. Liberal Christians were definitely left out. Forget about non-believers.

We purposely did not bring to mind all the poor souls burning in Hell while we were singing about getting to heaven. To think directly about those unfortunate people would have dampened our enthusiasm and ruined our celebration. However, we were very glad it wasn’t going to be us suffering the eternal fires.

These days I see things differently. I now believe the Christian message is that the work of Christ on the cross is completely sufficient and ultimately irresistable. In other words, a day is coming when we ALL get to Heaven. I believe that no one ever born will fail to reach Heaven.

Furthermore, I believe that each and every person ever born had eternal life their entire life. I do not need to get eternal life, I need to realize that I already have eternal life. You do not need to get eternal life. You need to realize that you  already have eternal life.God’s grace is totally sufficient for everyone. In my mind, there are no exceptions.

You and I are already swimming in God’s grace. We neither fully know it or fully utilize it, but we do have it. Unfortunately, sometimes, we are like people living a life of miserable hunger when we have millions in the bank.

No one has to pray God in from Chicago. God is in us and around us every second of every day. The Apostle Paul goes so far as to say that God’s word is near, it’s in your mouth, it’s in your heart.Â

That’s why I think the so called battlefield conversions are real. The terror of battle strips away the defenses a person has erected against God’s love. With the defenses destroyed, the person on the battlefield, comes face to face with the reality of a God who truly cares.

I have heard program people make the same observation. They have said things like, “I found out that God loved me while I was puking in a toilet.”

Here is what happened. The stress of drunken living finally knocked down ego, the person surrendered and then made the decision to turn his will and his life over to God’s care. In response, God in his love and power began to build into us, the very things we had wanted and needed all our lives up to that point.

Some unfortunate folks live and die without seeing God and his love. We may fight God off until we have died, but ultimately God’s love wins. In the end, everyone surrenders, everyone goes to Heaven.

There is also this point. A man that lived on the street that I met at the mission, once said to me, ” Who wants to live forever. I certainly don’t.”

I could see what he meant. Who wants to live an empty, lonely, painful, suffering life that lasts forever. But what we call eternal life is not only unending life, it is also God’s fulfilled,totally love filled, joyful, fun, life. Most of us would like that life to last a very long time.

Now think about that song. When we all get to heaven.  When I sing that song today, it  talks to me about the day when every last living, breathing soul ever born gets to heaven.

And it is not just people. The Bible tells me that God’s entire creation, [animals, plants, galaxies, rivers, oceans] is going to come into its full potential in heaven.

Now lets add the next line:

“When we all get to heaven, What a day of rejoicing that will be.”

No kidding.    Â

That is a day that merits some real rejoicing. Can’t wait to see the dinosaurs and other prehistoric animals. Then how about my ancestors. I would love to meet my grandmother fifty times removed, the one that lived three hundred years before Christ. Sounds like cause for a first rate celebration to me.Â

Maybe I will have the joy of being with my girls and the joy of my solitude all at the same time. Maybe, without the limitations of space and time, I will be able to enjoy things a billion times more than today and enjoy things in a million different ways than today; ways I can not even imagine now.Â

That’s what I believe awaits us all.

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Perspective Shift or the Day I Met My Sponsor

There is a story of a hiker walking through the woods. He carelessly knocked over a bee hive. The bees were very angry and began to chase the man down the path. He came to a mud puddle and jumped in. He sank into the mud, clear to his ankles. That may not sound very deep to you, but you don’t know which end went in first. This joke depends on a perspective shift for its humor. I am thinking of it, because few things in my life have provided me a more dramatic perspective shift than the day I met my sponsor.

Elsa is a beautiful, silver haired, dynamic woman who has decades in the program. She was at a meeting I attended for the first time very early in my program. As I sat in the meeting, I was fear dominated and desperate.I had arrived at the meeting late because I didn’t want to meet anyone. I wasn’t there to socialize. I was there to learn and leave.

I could see that the program had really helped people. To me, that meant they knew things I needed to know. My plan was as soon as I had the information I needed, I would quit the program. My entire life was built around helping other people. I had taken care of my family growing up. I worked at a rescue mission. The idea that I needed help beyond just getting more information was completely outside of my frame of reference.

There were about fifty people in attendance at the meeting that day. The leader of the meeting shared and then asked others in attendance to share. One person was to share, then the next person would be skipped, then the next person would talk. I quickly counted the people off and discovered that I was going to be skipped over. The person on either side of me would be asked to share, but not me.

After awhile, a woman got up and left the room in order to use the restroom.  I thought that meant I would have to share. I was furious.

I said to myself, It seems like a grown woman could control her bladder for ninety minutes. Maybe I should just leave. In a few minutes the absent woman returned.

I relaxed again. I was glad I didn’t have to leave because the sharing was comforting me. I continued listening hoping to discover the secret that had changed the lives of these people.

Sure enough, when the sharing reached my table, I was skipped over. Then I thought of another problem. I was seated way back in the room, in the left hand corner. There was only one person scheduled to share after the sharing skipped over me. Would the leader reverse the direction of the sharing? If so, I would be next. Now I was really nervous.

However, the sharing procedure went up to the front of the room. I felt safe. There was no way the sharing was going to get clear back to me again.The second person to share, once the sharing shifted to the front of the room, was my soon to be sponsor Elsa. She said, I don’t think my higher power wants me to share today, because there are people in this room that need to share, like that man back there.

She pointed straight at me. I was shocked and stunned. It did not occur to me to tell Elsa I didn’t want to share. She had the kind of personal authority that comes to a person with forty plus years in the program. I shared. I haven’t the vaguest memory of what I said.

After the meeting I went up and talked to Elsa. I felt a love in her for me that was powerful. I asked her to be my sponsor. I think part of the reason I asked her to sponsor me was her appearance. She was small, a little older and looked so sweet.

I said to myself, How hard could she be to handle?. In saying that, I was not taking into account the deep strength her program gave her. Elsa has proven herself to be strong enough to deal with me anytime, anyplace.

When I came to the’ program I didn’t trust anyone. I was exhausted and angry. For quite awhile, my Higher Power only asked me to trust Elsa, and no one else. He gave me the strength to do that. A few months later, I noticed that the first word of The Twelve Steps was We?. I realized that recovery for me depended on me trusting other people and accepting their help. I have continued to learn that lesson all these intervening years. I now I am a wealthy man, when it comes to having friends.

Talk about a perspective shift. I went from a lonely life where I existed only to help others, to a life as a part of a caring community. Thanks Elsa and thanks also to all the rest of my friends.

When I was at Union Rescue Mission in Los Angeles I frequently got so tired I could no longer function effectively. When that happened, I would sometimes walk north up Main Street a couple of blocks to a pretty spot and get a cup of coffee. On my way to the coffee shop, I walked past a large parking lot fenced off with a six foot high chain link fence.

One especially exhausting day, I left the building to relax for a while with a cup of coffee. My head was occupied with administrative thoughts, so I was not paying attention to the things going on around me. As I walked past the parking lot, I felt someone’s eyes looking at me with enough intensity to get my attention.

I quickly looked around. I saw a middle aged man of normal height and weight. He was clean and shaven, but his clothes were old and ill fitting. He needed a haircut. He standing there, leaning against the fence.

I stopped and introduced myself. His name was Tom. We made conversation for a few minutes.

Then I said, “Tom, I stopped because I wanted to tell you that Jesus loves you.”

He replied, “You only say that because you don’t know what I have done.”

“That’s true,” I said, ”but I know what I have done, and I know Jesus loves me. If he loves me, I know he loves you.”

“You only say that because you don’t know what I have done.”

“But I do know what the Bible says. So on the authority of Scripture, I want you to know that Jesus loves you.”

“You only say that because you don’t know what I have done.”

By this time, I realized that something was going on between Tom and me that was very important. I was silently and intensely praying for wisdom. Finally, I caught on. He needed to tell me what he had done.

I said, “Why don’t you tell me what it is that you have done.”

He replied, “I was in Viet Nam. A bunch of my friends in our company had been killed or maimed in the preceding days. Vietnamese people, that lived in a nearby village, were our friends by day and shooting us at night.

After one particularly horrible night, we lost it. We roared into the village and shot everyone we could find. We killed men, women, children old people, pregnant woman, and even the animals. We burned the village and buried the dead in a trench.”

When he  stopped talking he just stared at me. He did not seem remorseful or even emotional. He just looked hopeless and helpless.

I said to him,” I am so sorry that happened to those Vietnamese people and I am sorry for the pain you have carried all these years. What you have told me is horrible, but your problem is your arrogance. You think there is something about you that is bigger than God. Your sin is not bigger than God’s love. Your sin is like a paper match to the fire hose of God’s grace. God’s forgiveness is infinitely greater than your sin.”

He said, “Thank You, Chaplain.”

I shook his hand and went on to get my coffee. However, the reminder of the wonder of God’s grace the conversation with Tom had given to me, had already provided me a deep rest.

That was twenty years ago. I now realize that when I talked to Tom that morning, I badly understated the depth and power of God’s love.

GMC

Growth is the prime indicator in Christ’s view of real honest faith.

Not growth for growth sake, but healthy growth that leads to healthy fruit.

      “Some thirty fold

       Some sixty fold

       Some a hundred fold”.

What is meant by fruit?

      The Apostle Paul gives us the definition of fruit.

      The fruit of the Spirit is primarily love.

The other fruits are important too.

      joy

      peace

      patience

      kindness

      goodness

      faithfulness

      gentleness

      self control

   But they all flow from the fruit of love.

The function of the fruit of any plant is reproduction. The apple is designed to create another apple tree. Therefore, the fruit of the spirit must be seen from a reproductive point of view.

The fruit of peace, for example, is not best seen in a peaceful person, but in a person who brings the peace of God to troubled people and situations.

      “Blessed are the peacemakers”.

Therefore, the primary fruit of love is not best seen in someone who only knows God loves her, but in a person who is able to bring love to unlovely, bitter people and situations.

That’s why Jesus said of those who receive His Holy Spirit, “Out of their bellies shall flow rivers of living water”. No better picture exists of a healer.

A river of living water flowing out of the bottom of Lake Michigan has litle impact. But a river in the desert gives life where before, no life was possible.

That  is why being called as a healer is no light matter.

   It is a call to be accepted with gravity.

   It is a call to the hot, dry places of the world.

      But it is a high call.

      It is Christ’s description of Himself

      “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted.”

             GMC

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Written for my good friend Linda Johnson, many years ago.Â

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Therapist friend of mine, who has an enormous amount of recovery experience, gave me a very useful way to look at maturity. She said that an infant has a highly fragmented view of reality. In contrast, a mature person has a much more unregimented point of view.  

An infant experiences the fragment of reality it is experiencing right now, as all of its reality. If at this moment, its diapers are wet, and it is hungry, its entire perspective is not good. For example, an infant might feel: 

“Mommy is gone, the world is unsafe and God doesn’t care.” 

In this example the baby screams loudly and lets everyone know that it is unhappy. This immediate, unhappy fragment of his life has become his entire reality. 

On the other hand, if the baby is dry, in its mother’s arms, and fed, then that fragment of its reality is its entire reality. 

“I am loved, the world is safe, and God loves me.” 

The unfragmented adult can fully experience the current moment without losing sight of the broader view of his total resource picture. 

“I just got a ticket. That is a very negative thing. I have to pay the fine or take the time to fight the ticket. The ticket is a problem in terms of my auto insurance. Maybe I have grown careless in my driving habits. None of these realities are pleasant, but I am still OK.I have the resources to deal with the expense and inconvenience, I can reexamine my driving techniques, I am still a good person, I still have God’s help.” 

The ticket does not shake his entire existence. 

If a fragmented person is facing a bad situation, he is terrified. If he has gotten a ticket, he responds as if the ticket was a catastrophe 

“I am a bad person. The ticket will ruin my entire financial situation. My family will ridicule me. Maybe I got a ticket because God wants me to try harder to be a better person.” 

The negative current fragment of his experience will make him lose track of his broader reality. In fact, his total reality may be quite good, but he is not helped by the good things because the immediate bad experience has removed the good things from view. 

Suppose the unfragmented adult’s current moment is great. Perhaps he has just gotten a phone call from one of his grown daughters. He is free to enjoy that moment, but he is not separated from the rest of his reality. His whole reality includes the love of God, the love of many friends, but also many things that are troubling to him. He can turn his troubles over to God, be grateful for the love of his friends, and enjoy his moment with his daughter. 

He is not using his pleasure in the phone call, to hide from other things that are less pleasant. It is just that, for this moment, the painful things in his life are God’s responsibility. If there is something he needs to do about a problem, God and he will deal with it at some appropriate future time. For right now, he wants to savor a great experience with his daughter. 

Also, he doesn’t try to hang on to the good moment. He can enjoy the phone call enormously as he experiences it. Then it becomes a fine memory. He can pull up the memory and relive it for years. After the call, he is free to move on to the next presenting matter his life brings to him. 

A fragmented adult will try to hang on to every positive experience. He dreads its passing. When the good moment is over, he may be faced with a bad experience. Since he is a fragmented person, that negative experience fragment that might be coming, has the power to plunge him into a fearful hole. He feels he must keep pushing painful things away from himself by prolonging the good times. His fear of the good moment passing reduces his enjoyment of the good moment. 

In terms of my own experience, it has worked to my great advantage to reduce the amount of fragmentation to which I am subject. There have been several factors that have helped me. 

First of all, if I have taken the time to center myself in the morning, I respond to life in a more mature way. If I have made myself fully aware of the resources that are available to me, then I am better able to keep track of the big picture as I experience the ups and downs of daily life. 

I have learned not to indulge myself in disaster thinking whirlpools. A disaster whirlpool is that kind of thinking where one fear thought gives birth to an even scarier thought. Then that thought gives birth to something worse, followed by even more frightful idea and so on, until I am spinning and can barely function. 

If I feel a spin starting up, I know I need to act to get it stopped. If I let my mind roll on and on, I will be miserable and reduce my ability to deal with my situation. In addition, indulging in a fear spiral only makes the subsequent whirlpools more powerful and more likely to occur. 

Taking action, any action at all, is frequently effective in stopping a fear spiral. Getting some exercise is a good idea. The Serenity Prayer has helped me many times. So has sharing at a meeting. 

It is often helpful for me to call a friend. The act of making a call forces me to expand my view beyond my immediate life fragment. Sometimes things that are terrifying, swirling around in my head, seem much less powerful out in the light of day. In addition, many times my friend is able to say something that quickly restores perspective for me. 

Also, humor is a powerful tool. Someone has said, “Humor is looking at chaos from the point of view of serenity.” If I have behaved in a fragmented manner, and now feel better, having a good laugh at myself with a friend or at a meeting is a powerfully healthy and enjoyable life experience. 

 

 

I grew up in a home where very little was stable. I could never be sure my needs were going to be met. Sometimes I felt loved, but often I was scrambling to find a way to ease my insecurity.  Sometimes the rent could not be paid and we ran out of food. The phone and utilities were cut off occasionally. I had no one with whom I could talk about my deepest pain. I longed for stability. One day, after I had started my recovery, I decided to look up the word stability in the dictionary. I found three ways of defining stability in a physical sense. The definitions of physical stability gave me helpful insights into emotional stability. 

The first definition of physical stability was, “An object is stable if when it is disturbed, it tends to return to its original position.” That kind of stability is illustrated by one of my kid’s favorite toys. They had a plastic, blowup clown with a weighted base. The clown had a big red nose. You could knock that clown down 1000 times and it would always return to an upright position. It was great fun. That illustrates the first kind of emotional stability. I remember an early prayer of mine. “God I am so frightened. But I am going to fight through it. When I have fought through it I will have grown slightly. My victory will not be permanent. I know the fear will soon return. When it does, I will fight through it again. I am not going to give up. Every time my fear knocks me down I am going to get back up.” That determination to keep on keeping on was basic to my recovery program. 

The next definition of physical stability was, “An object is stable if when at rest, it tends to remain at rest.� This is the Rock of Gibraltar kind of stability. I found that after I had been knocked over enough times by my fear and then picked myself back up again, it just got a lot harder to knock me down. Every time I got afraid and then resisted the fear, I got a little bit stronger. In time I became more stable emotionally in this second sense. I became far more able to stay on my feet. 

The third kind of stability is “An object is stable, if when it is in motion, it tends to remain in motion. This is the freight train kind of stability. My Sponsor has more than 50 years in the program. I think she is the most effective human being I have ever met. I am sure she has been a destroyer of much that is dysfunctional in the world. She certainly was powerfully used by God to plow through the dysfunction in my life. She is a great example of a person in recovery having the freight train kind of stability.