Sept 30
Am I doing well on my no sugar pact with my daughter? I have a choice in the way I answer that question.

I am not doing well if my standard is complete abstinence. I had a Starbucks Maple Oat Scone one morning. I enjoyed that time very much. At a meeting someone brought in homemade chocolate chip cookies. I ate one. I ate about a spoonful of a piece of spice cake at another meeting. So, I am not successful.

On the other side of it, I have probably eaten 90% less sugar the last two weeks. At least to some extent, I have learned to resist sugar. That means I have been successful.

There is a third standard by which I can judge whether or not I have been successful. This standard is by far the most important to me. The third standard is the reason I am writing right now. The standard is this. Am I going to allow myself to fall into self condemnation?

By that standard I have been reasonably successful. I have not made myself miserable. That is for sure. However, eating the sugar has been eating at me……

[Stop. I see a connection. When I let eating slips eat at me, it leads to more eating.]

Eating sugar has been eating at me today. As always, being honest and open leads me away from self condemnation. Negative thoughts running around in my head that remain too long in my head lead to destructive behavior. Once I get the thought out of my head into the light of day the negative thoughts immediately become more manageable.

Oct 1

I weighed myself today. I have not lost weight.

Some observations:

1. I know that all the exercise I have been doing has built and toned muscle. Have I lost fat, but not weight, or am I kidding myself again?
2. It probably is not a good idea to weigh myself. That feels very counter intuitive.
3. I become more certain everyday, that my well developed and lifelong sense of body shame is at the root of my compulsive eating.
4. Why am I so persuaded that I have a shameful body? In this society, do we all feel ashamed of our bodies or is this at least in part a product of my childhood abuse?

Oct 2

Today someone said something to me that made me wonder if a lady I have admired from a distance would like to go out with me. Also today, I feel sure that I will ultimately learn to eat healthfully, likely I will learn before my next birthday. Feeling confidence about a eating transformation coupled with the idea that a very attractive woman might be starting to care for me is scaring me badly.

In the last few months, something that has happened with a wonderful woman that has badly shaken my confidence. More correctly, a recent experience with a woman has revealed to me to me that I still interpret my Mother’s behavior toward me when I was a boy, as a contempt for and a rejection of my manhood.

That sense of maternal rejection is what drives my need for my fat shield. I still need the protection. I guess that is why the idea of eating healthy works better for me than the idea of losing weight. Losing weight points at losing a shield that still feels necessary to me. Eating healthy points at a freer, richer, longer life.

Oct 4

When I am a speaker for a meeting, I frequently talk about how many people I hurt before I had a program. The list of people I hurt begins with my family and includes the people around me at the rescue mission where I worked.

At the rescue mission, I had the very high and lofty goal of building a highway out of skid row for the homeless. In my unconscious mind, this noble purpose gave me the right to run over and manipulate the people with whom I worked. I did many hurtful things to people at the mission.

I have made lots of amends to those people. I have also made life amends by trying hard to learn to live differently.

I find comfort and self acceptance when I remember I was following my best light. I did the best I could, given my twistedness. I am grateful for the Psalm that in some translations says, “I will not hold their twistedness against them.”

Yesterday, I realized that my Mom did the best she could given her twistedness. She was following her best light. Even though that light was twisted and distorted, it was her best light. I have always felt she did not love me. I no longer think that is true. I think she loved me, but was so limited and warped by her own undealt with wounds, that she ended up behaving cruelly toward me.

Since God doesn’t hold my twistedness against me, it seems reasonable for God to ask me not to hold her twistedness against her. So I forgave her. In particular, I forgave her for the following eating-related things:

1. The unhealthy eating habits she taught me by eating the way she did.
2. Using food to comfort me.
3. For being so poorly groomed and unhygienic.
4. For not comforting me appropriately when life wounded me, especially when she was the person in my life that did the wounding.
5. For all the anger in me at her, that was generated by her behavior.

I am not trying to exonerate her. Nor do I ever have to let anyone else behave that way toward me. That is not the point.

The point is, all this pent up anger has heavily contributed to my unhealthy eating. I want to be free of that anger.

I want to eat healthy because I am healthy. Behaving healthfully is my natural, created nature.

I just noticed that my anger mentioned above as a heavy contributor to my unhealthy eating made me heavy. [Pun intended]

Oct 5

Here is a comment I did not want you to miss. It is also printed below in the comment section.

A confession - On September 24th, I realized after eating about 5 ginger snaps that I was supposed to be off sugar with you! (Ok, I had a piece of  b-day cake too, but it was the Homan family’’s cherry cake recipe!). So now we’re even.

But starting 9/29/06, I’ve been 100% committed. I even got Chad to not buy those devilish chocolate peanut butter pretzels from Trader Joe’s.

But you

re right, your biggest success is not badgering yourself for having one cookie, or one bite of spice cake. You are doing great!!!

- Gina

See what I mean about my daughter. She would never ever judge me. I am learning that exactly the same could be said about God.

May God help me learn that my greatest enemy is my relentless self criticism. I am sure that my unhealthy eating is driven by treating myself with the same harshness that characterized my Mother’s treatment of me. I powerfully want to learn to eat in a healthy way, but I want to learn to deal with myself in a kind and loving manner even more.

Oct 6

I was told by a rabbi, that in the Jewish faith there are two roads to faith. The first road to faith is typified by the holiday Yom Kippur. The second is typified by the holiday Purim.

Yom Kippur is the holiday that remembers Israel’s deliverance out of Egypt, specifically the Passover. This observance is solemn and full of commitment.

Purim remembers Esther’s brave and wonderful work that saved the Jewish people. This holiday is observed by a wonderful, joyful, celebration.

Therefore the first road to faith is the road of discipline. The second road to faith is celebration. I need way more celebration in every area of my life.

A while back, my daughter commented that I need to celebrate things like the tastiness and healthiness of summer fruit. I have been thinking about her comment. I am now convinced that my lifelong guilt over food and fear of starvation or even the smallest hunger sensation, has made the whole issue of food way to serious for me.

I want to be thrilled over eating. I want to eat for the fun of it. I have had enough solemnity over food to last a lifetime.

“One day at a time” is a slogan of my recovery program. It is also an idea put forth by Christ.

Jesus once said, “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

A friend said this a few days ago. “When I don’t live one day at a time, I live in one daze after another.”

When I am feeling uncomfortable, I sometimes review the slogans of my program as a means of diagnosing the nature of my discomfort. Most often my slogan diagnostic test reveals that the reason I am uncomfortable is I am projecting into the future instead of focusing on today.

I have repeatedly used this slogan to help someone who has called me because they are feeling down. I say, “All you have to do is to make it until the time you put your head on your pillow this evening.” Frequently, that brings the caller back to serenity.

Here are several of the problems I have with living in the future:

1. When I am thinking in the future I tend to be using my negative imagination. I am probably looking at the future in my disaster prevention mode which guarantees unhealthy thinking.

2. I am far better at predicting what could possibly go wrong than I am at predicting the ways God is going to help me. Many times, God’s help comes in a way that I don’t expect and cannot predict. Therefore, I overemphasize potential problems and underestimate God’s helpful involvement.

3. When I am projecting sixty days into the future I am looking at all the things that might go wrong in the next sixty days. The first problem is that most of what I fear never materializes.

The second problem is I add up all the power needed to handle the problems of the next sixty days, and then compare it to the strength I have today. Then I feel overwhelmed.

The strength I have today is more than sufficient for today. However, todays strength is notably insufficient strength when compared to the power I will need for each of the next sixty days all added up.

Today, I am not given all the strength I will ever need. I could not deal with that much power. It would destroy me and everyone around me. I am given today’s strength. I can absolutely count on being given tomorrow’s strength tomorrow and so on forever.

The doctrine of original sin teaches that man is by nature totally sinful, and without redeeming qualities. I think that Original Sin is a particularly unbiblical idea.

According to Genesis, man is made in the image of God not in the image of some evil creature, that is fudamentally flawed. Therefore, I am not an original sinner, I am originally like God.

Furthermore, as soon as God finished creating mankind, he blessed mankind. Therefore, I am not only originally wonderful by creation, I am originally blessed by God.

I can not imagine a more beautiful picture of the wholesome heart nature of the human race than being made in God’s image and being blessed by God. There is no room for the idea of original sin in that picture.

Sin is certainly a problem in Scripture. However, sin is not seen in the Bible as man expressing his true nature, but as man betraying his true created nature.

Sinning is like when I have a cold. The cold is not apart of my true nature. It is an invasion of my body by a foreign substance, namely a virus. Yes it is my nose that runs and my eyes that water, but the cold is not me. In time, my body rejects the invading virus and i am healthy again,

That is the sense of Paul’s remark in Romans that when I sin it is not me that is doing it, “But sin which dwells in me.” [Rom 7:17]. Sin isn’t me, it is a outside invader.

I am still responsible for my behaviour, Responsibility is not Paul’s point. His point is that sin is acting counter to my created nature.
When I sin I am acting against my true self not expressing my true self.

I was not taught that Iwas a wonderful person created in God’s image and blessed by God. I grew up with this idea. “I am a piece of shit”.

I thought “Lucky for me, God is so loving that he can even love a piece of shit like me.” What a vicious mockery of scripture.

That sense that I am unclean,[a piece of shit] is what we call shame these days. Shame is the driving force behind all my character defects.

I am slowly learning what it means to be made in God’s image. That means I can become an ever better person. The limit of my potential is God. That is to say that I can grow so much, that as a practical matter, I am limitless.

I am not a pathetic creature trying to sneak into Heaven, looking for a way to hide from you so you will never discover how unacceptable I am.

Sept 23
I am going on a low sugar diet for a month. I am doing it with my daughter. I am doing it for several reasons.

1. I am doing it with Gina because she simply will not judge me if I fail. She and I are both clear that the most limiting thing about our personalities is our tendency to deal harshly with ourselves.

2. I am going to go without desserts. The biggest perceived loss for me there, will be the Starbucks Maple Oat Scones. I want to get out of that habit anyway.

3. It is a way I can cut down on calories relatively easily.

4. I can already feel my “I am going to eat what I want, when I want” rebellion beginning to crop up. I want to take a look at that attitude.

5. Many people that struggle with food feel they have a sugar addiction. Do I?

I’ll keep you posted.

Sept 24
I expected my normal food rebellion about sugar since I am radically cutting down for a month. I was surprised. Most of the desserts I like feature greasy sugar [ice cream]. The rebellion showed up all right, just switched to salty grease [nachos].

The driving force of my unhealthy eating is shame, especially body shame. Shame reveals itself as sabotage of relationships [the fat shield], the rebellion, the use of food as inappropriate comfort, and eating to kill time because I don’t want to reach out to people that would actually like to hear from me.

I feel God’s help coming through people;family, friends, meetings. My footwork is my willingness to talk about eating and my willingness to accept love and help.

Sept 25
Today I feel confident about my ability to gradually change my eating habits toward health. If I am to remain confidant today I will have to avoid traps my disease likes to fall into.Here are several of my favorite traps.

1. The dreaded side view of my body in a mirror or in a large store display window.
2. Entertaining the idea that I can not date until I get myself in better shape.

The side view trap makes me feel like learning to eat healthy is not my goal. My goal becomes losing weight. The moment I begin to try to lose weight, I am filled [or should I say feeled] with shame. I see myself as unacceptable as I am today.

The I can’t date trap throws me back to being a desperate little boy struggling to find a way to win his mothers love. When I am that little boy, food becomes my most available and familiar comfort.

Probably those temptations to think unhealthy will approach me today. The most powerful antidote to those temptations is talking openly with you here on this website or in person.

Sept 26
I really want to go to Starbucks to get a scone. I am going to ride my bike to a friends house for a visit, Then I am going to get a bagel and coffee at another coffee place in order to create distance between me and scones. It will be a struggle for me. However I know that if I keep up not having scones, a new habit will form in one to three weeks.
I will have to change coffee houses because the one I usually go to serves up a scone when they see me parking my bike. I will ask them not to do that soon, but for today, I am going to go somewhere else.
The real point for me is this. One of two things will happen. I either will or I won’t get the scone. Either way, I can get healthier, if I avoid the shame spiral. Hopefully today, I will either celebrate my victory or I will learn from my mistake. I can not lose, if I can avoid the fierce, destructive self criticism.

Sept27

This is going to be the most difficult journal entry I have written so far. I am going to tell you what I like about my body.
The reason I am doing that is because a friend reminded me that gratitude is a powerful recovery tool.
Here goes:
1. I am very strong. My muscles are solid and powerful
2.The other day I rode my bike 16 miles. There were stops along the way, but the last 8 miles were continuous. I was tired when I got home, but I could have ridden further. Not bad for a 68 year old man.
3. I am pretty healthy. I do want to be more flexible, and I am making progress.
4. My chest is about 8 inches bigger than my belly, so I am built right side up.
5. I have clear skin.
6. I am told I give wonderful hugs.

I have a favorite question I like to ask myself. I also like to ask other people this question.

The question came out of my efforts to learn to use my imagination in a positive way. Here is the question.

“Add 30 years to your age. It is your birthday. We are having a nice dinner to celebrate. You say to me, ‘The last 30 years have been really wonderful for me. All my dreams have come true.’

What would have to have happened in the next 30 years so you could describe those years as wonderful and years in which your dreams have come true?”

Here are some of my ideas for myself:

1. I am close to my kids and grandkids. Our relationships have consistently grown over the years.

2. I have maintained close and developing relationships with my friends.

3. I have learned to take great care of my body, so I am in good health.

4. My website has developed and has put me in contact with people from around the world.

I will probably add to and change this list as I think about it.

Any suggestions for me? Why don’t you comment below with your answer to the question?

You are the mother for whom I used to wish.

To Dad and all your men, you are really quite a dish.

You are fun, outgoing, a rich warm delight.

You are the Mom I love, I love with all my might.

.

You are wise, understanding, and sweet as you can get.

You are priceless, yes peerless, on that I sure would bet.

I value the tenacity of your rich, deep love for me.

The love you freely show, for all the world to see.

.

God gave me the Mom I’ve never had before.

You bring me such joy, I could not love you more.

Happy Birthday Mom, you deserve a real great day.

May God bless and keep you, in every single way.

.

George

It seems to me, that before I got serious about recovery that my life was characterized by choices between unacceptable alternatives. I frequently felt like I just did not have good choices.

When I began working seriously on my recovery within a program, it seems to me my life was characterized by having to choose between acceptable and unacceptable choices. At tremendous cost to myself, I frequently chose the unacceptable alternative.

After 11 years in recovery, I find I am frequently being asked to choose between really wonderful alternatives. So many times, I have more wonderful things to do than I can possibly do. That can make life exciting, but if I misinterpret what is happening I can become very unhappy.

Having too many good choices has sometimes created problems for me. I needed to learn something important about my Higher Power. Let me illustrate.

When I was in my early twenties, a good friend offered to give me his library. He had been a minister for many years and had accumulated about five thousand very wonderful books. Now he was retiring.

I had to turn down his offer. I had no place to put a library and I had no money to store the books.

Now suppose I had accepted the books, then bought bookshelves, set the shelves up in a beautiful room and arranged the books systematically. Then I would have a great library at my disposal.

However, suppose I thought I had to read all the books beginning at the top shelf at the extreme left and working through all the books on all the shelves. I would have to labor for years to get all the books read. If that was my idea, then the gift of the library would turn out to be a very heavy burden.

What is the alternative? I could look over the books and from time to time, pick out one or two volumes that looked like fun to read. I could also use the books to look up things I wanted to know. Maybe I could share some of the books with my friends. I might give a loved one, one of the books I felt she would enjoy.

Used with freedom the library would be a source of joy. However, if I treated the books legalistically, they would seriously detract from my joy in living.

I find that God likes to give me choices as I pursue his will. He frequently makes four of five suggestions of things to do and wants me to choose the one I like best. Whichever activity I choose to do, becomes his will for me.

When God gives me the freedom to choose from several of his great ideas, I feel a deep respect from him. It makes me feel God trusts my decisions and wants to include my thinking in his will for my life.

In addition, When God wants me to choose from among good alternatives, I have a chance to learn about the rich abundance of living from a spiritual base. To often, I have lived a life dominated by deprivation thinking.

If I feel like I have to do everything God suggests, doing God’s will be comes a tedious and wearisome burden. I get overextended and bitter. If I go with the idea that appeals to me most, life is challenging and thrilling.

Years ago, I was in a very low place in my family life, in my professional life and in my spiritual life. At that time I met a man at church whose name was Warren. I liked what I heard him saying when he gave devotionals. He seemed very bright, articulate, informed, and sensitive. I asked him if he would meet with me once a week and help me get my feet on the ground spiritually. He introduced me to classical prayers and Bible study methods. He was very helpful to me. We met for about two years.

On one occasion he asked me to imagine my perfect life. If I had the life of my dreams what would it look like? I told him I had a linear mind and that I simply did not have an imagination with sufficient power to come up with my dream life. He accepted my refusal and just moved on to another topic.

About forty five minutes later, as we were about to leave the park where we met, he said, “George, I don’t want to tell you this, but I think I better. I had a vision of you that I truly think was from God. I am telling you so that you can prepare yourself for the trouble that is coming. I saw you as a street person. You were absolutely destitute. You seemed very depressed and in a poor state of health.”

He continued talking in that vein for a few minutes. As he was talking, I could feel the panic rising in me. The longer he talked the more anxious I got. He did not let me get too frightened, just anxious enough to make his point.

Then he said, “There is not a word of truth in what I told you. I never have visions from God and I certainly don’t think God would give such a vision. I only wanted you to have to admit that you have a very powerful imagination. Your problem is that you are used to using your imagination negatively.”

He made his point. I have learned to use my imagination in a far more positive way in the intervening years.

Sept 16

When I was a boy I used to love to listen to sports on the radio. I would lie in bed on my back with the radio on my chest. The radio I used was a tube radio. The tubes in the radio generated heat. That meant that when I listened to the radio, it gave me a wonderful warm feeling in my body. It seems like, that was the warmest feeling I ever had as a boy.

I slept in the lower bed of a bunk bed. That made my bed like a cozy, little cave. I loved it when my team was winning, but it was depressing when my team was losing.

There is still a tendency in me, to let sports events drive my emotions up and down. I am watching college football today. My teams are doing OK, but I am feeling some anxiety.

When I am anxious, I get a painful feeling in my stomach. I cannot tell that painful feeling from the feeling of hunger. As a result, I am eating nonstop. I think I am hungry when I am not hungry at all. I have eaten almost all healthy food, but I have certainly eaten too much.

I am making much better progress learning to eat healthy food than I am learning to eat an appropriate amount. At least I stopped watching football to write in this Journal. I hope that is progress.

Sept 17

When I went to bed last night, I noticed an interesting thing. I had written the Sept 16 journal entry at about 2:00 PM. I had written about the unhealthily large quantity of food I had eaten in response to football fan anxiety.

Before I went to bed I realized that I had eaten reasonable amounts of food in the time after I wrote my journal entry. Maybe the writing gave me a more normal eating afternoon.

That is an encouraging idea. In fact I began writing this journal hoping it would help me eat in a healthier way. It sure is worth the effort it takes to write.

I am down emotionally today. I am making bad decisions. So far, I have not made any bad eating decisions. “Let go and let God� is my focus for my life right now. I think “Let go and let God� has to be my focus for my eating recovery too.

Sept 18

At this time, many things in my family are troubling to me. In my opinion, I am handling my pain in a satisfactory manner.

In fact I feel good about the emotional progress I have made in the last few years based on my solid response to my troubles. I am far stronger than I imagined.

However, the emotional upheaval I am processing has revealed that I still carry a deep mistrust of God left over from my tough boyhood. I have begun working on that mistrust following the pattern laid out by the 12 Steps.

One area that my mistrust of God damages my life is the area of healthy eating. Way down deep, I don’t believe God can be relied upon to give me and mine our necessary food.

For example, I was terrified in raising my children that I would not be able to feed them. For that reason, I loved to do the family grocery shopping. We bought groceries twice a month. When I shopped, the groceries I bought filled two grocery carts.

I never complained about the rising costs of groceries. If I had the money to buy an abundance of groceries, I was happy and feeling good.

Now, living by myself, my mistrust of God manifests itself in my panic eating. I had a beautiful cantaloupe in my fridge yesterday. I cut it in two, and enjoyed eating one half. I was satisfied and comfortably full. I wanted to save the other half for today, but I couldn’t. I felt nervous and anxious. I couldn’t relax. I finally gave in and ate the other half.

At least it wasn’t a half gallon of ice cream I had to finish off. That is good news. I just don’t keep foods that are highly inappropriate for me in my apartment. Still, I can see that the reason I could not stop eating the cantaloupe was food panic. My thinking was, I better eat this while I can. I may never get another chance.

Sept 19

When my family lived in a housing project in Coronado, California, we had a neighbor boy named Oral. Oral was an only child. His family was prosperous enough that he had nice clothes and plenty of tasty food to eat.

His mother asked my Mom if she would watch Oral for a day. That meant that he was with us for dinner. We had lima beans to eat. Oral complained loudly, “I don’t like lima beans.” He refused to take any beans when they came by his seat.

No one paid any attention to him. We were all to busy making sure we got our fair share. The supply of limas was diminishing rapidly. Finally my Mom served Oral a small serving. He did not eat many beans. I am sure he was hungry all evening.

The next time Oral came for dinner, he had learned his lesson. He competed for food just like the rest of us.

I don’t think I have fully accepted that I no longer have to compete for food. Sometimes I get that old competitive feeling. I feel, “I will too protect my right to eat. I will eat what I want and all I want.” That attitude does not serve me well. That thinking is a part of my deprivation mind set.

Sept 20

Yesterday I ate half a cantaloupe and saved the other half for today. That is better than Monday when I had to eat the whole melon. That is a tiny bit of progress for which I am grateful.

I never thought this thought before. I have lots about my eating for which I can be thankful if I choose to be grateful. I have a good appetite. I just need to learn to make my appetite work for me. My choice of foods improves steadily as the months pass. I digest food well.

I have plenty of food and the resources to eat like my daughter Gina. She eats healthily, pleasurably, with delight, with variety. She is never hungry, but her weight is well under control.

I can also give thanks that I know hope to prepare food and to handle food safely. I have good cooking utensils and a nice stove. I can eat in restaurants if I want to. I eat with friends often.

When I think about my eating with gratitude, I can see there is lots of good things about  my eating. I need to improve in these areas:

1. I need to eat fewer carbs and more vegetables.
2. I need to find other solutions for my emotional needs that don’t rely on food.
3. I need to learn how to discern when a meal physically satisfied me.

When I am grateful, making those adjustments seems entirely possible. Gratitude is a doorway to growth

Sept 21

It may be the best thing I have learned about my self in writing this journal, is the powerful truth in the saying, “It is our secrets that kill us.” I feel my attitude toward food gradually changing in the direction of health.

The changes are involuntary. They are just happening. They are coming from the inside out. I am reminded of something my wonderful daughter JoAnna said to me a few months ago.

She said, “Dad, it is inevitable that you are going to lose this weight. You are growing and growing emotionally. You have handled so many of your issues that as you continue to grow the weight is ultimately going to take care of itself.”

That comment was a tipping point for me. Until then, I did not believe I would ever lose weight. She gave me hope.

Making the effort to lose weight did not seem worth all the work it would take because I believed it was hopeless. I said to myself, “Why put yourself through all this, if it isn’t going to do any good?” Now making the effort to learn to eat healthy is worthwhile, because it seems like an attainable goal.

The primary place I need to put foth the effort is not criticizing myself. No amount of effort to learn to eat healthy is going to be productive if I keep judging myself so harshly.

One final point. I would never have had all of daughters Gina, Jill and JoAnna’s help if I had not started talking about my weight. When I started talking, they did not hand me diets or judge me. They just loved me. They have been wonderfully supporting.

“It’s our secrets that kill us.”

Note: Feel free to start talking about eating for yourself as a part of this website. You can leave a comment below, if you like.

Sept 22

Here is a comment from my amazing daughter Gina. It is also in the comment section below.

“Dad - here’s a question for you to consider? Why do you choose to beat yourself up when you make a mistake? For example, you were very critical of yourself when you ate a half of cantaloupe, but cantaloupe’s are good for you! Instead of choosing to think negative thoughts about yourself (which never lead to any positive outcome), why not celebrate the good things? Celebrate how delicious summer fruits are this year. Celebrate that you opted for a healthy snack versus something greasy and friend.

I see in your later posts that you are making a concerted effort not to beat up on yourself and I applaud this! You are a great man, one who many love and respect. If anyone tells you otherwise (including yourself), send them my way and I’ll straighten them out! (smile)

Love,

- Gina”

I don’t think their is anyone more free from condemnation than Gina. She reminds me of the verse below.

” There is now therefore no condemnation…” Romans

I want to learn to treat myself the way Gina treats me. I want to treat myself the way I wish I had treated her when she was growing up. I want to spend my life celebrating the goodness of my life. I want to trust my own created, essential goodness. I want to trust the goodness of the Universe. If I am able to do the things listed in the first part of this paragraph, the healthy eating will take care of itself.

A very close friend of mine named Brian asked me to meet him for lunch. He said he was feeling angry and miserable. We met at Mimi’s Cafe, which is our traditional place to meet. I had their soup, which is always wonderful.

I could easily see he was not feeling very comfortable. After we had been together for awhile, he got around to telling me what he had been thinking that had robbed him of his serenity.

He said, “Why did I have to be born into such a dysfunctional home. Why couldn’t I have been raised by a loving, attentive Mother and a normal Dad who wasn’t an alcoholic. I am tired of having to fight and struggle so I can be a healthy person.”

He went on like that for a few minutes. I let him talk and just listened attentively. After awhile, he wound down and got very quiet. He didn’t look angry anymore, just tired.

My friend knew my story. He knew that, as a child, I had been abused in about every way a kid could be abused.

I said, “Brian, I do not have an answer to your question. But I can tell you this. One of the finest privileges of my life is being your friend. I am so glad that I got to be the one you called when you were feeling bad. What a terrific thing it is that I am having lunch with you right now.

The reason you called me this morning is that when I was a boy I was so abused. You thought maybe I could help you because I have worked through much of that abuse. In a strange way I am thankful for all those hard early years. All those years of pain and the help God has given me, are the reason we are together at this very minute. And not only that, most of the things I like about myself, stem from the fact that things were so hard for me as a boy.”

[As I am writing this in a community room someone sat down at the piano and started playing Amazing Grace. That is no coincidence as far as I am concerned. I see it as one of God's little personal notes to me. It is amazing that God's grace can turn abuse into blessing, if the abuse is turned over to Him. "Let go and let God" is a wonderful way to live.]

It is not that the abuse has somehow become good. Unacceptable behavior never ceases to be unacceptable behavior. It is that God is so good, and so creative, and so powerful, that any evil I am able to turn over to Him can work out for my benefit. That is one of the messages of the cross of Christ. Even the murder of the innocent son of God has worked for the good of mankind because Christ surrendered his death to God.

That is the basis of St Paul’s remark,” All things work together for good.” All things are not good, but all things can work together for good because God is so good.