Jan 29

I missed a few days writing in this journal. However, I have a good excuse. I have been having a fun time. The next few days look just as good. I am even enjoying food more, because I tend to be hungrier when I eat.

All the years of facing my deepest fears and insecurities have begun to pay off in a wonderful way. I sleep well, I am never hungry in an unpleasant way, I continue to lose weight, and I am far more able to accept and enjoy the love and support of the people who love me.

Of course, not everyone loves me, but that is one of the things all of us human beings have in common. It is rewarding to me that I no longer need to have the love of everyone. That is because my needs are thoroughly met.

Jan 30

I am finding a deep sense of safety. I use to think I felt safe when I buried my feelings in food and fat. It is a very different feeling to stay in touch with my feelings, face my fears and keep them turned over to my Higher Power.

Then I am able to be profoundly alive. I can be thrilled with the mind blowing goodness and beauty of the world I live in. There is plenty of tragedy and heartache in my world. I can not change that. However, I can ask God to “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.” That leaves me free to incorporate wonder and beauty.

Of course, turning things over sometimes needs to be done many times in the course of a day. That is something I am learning to do.

Jan 21

The way I have used food to comfort myself resulted in me gradually losing contact with the very people that could have offered me the real comfort and warmth I so longed for. I am reminded of a passage in the writings of the prophet Jeremiah.

Through Jeremiah, God gives the people this image. “You have abandoned the springs of pure , clear, sweet water that I gave you. Instead you have hewed out cisterns that gather water that stagnates. Not only that, Your cisterns leak.”

That is a powerful image for the comfort I have given myself with food. It is stale comfort at best. Besides being inadequate comfort, the weak comfort food gives me quickly disappears.

Jan 22

I feel rewarded because I have lost at least 10 pounds. I have also added muscle through weight lifting.

I am writing this to reduce my fear. I am still afraid I will jinx this process by talking about it. Maybe I am afraid in an outdated sense. For example, if I write this, I am being proud and God will punish my hubris by causing me to regain the weight.

Of course, that fear is unwarranted. HP is not afraid of me feeling successful. The entire Universe is behind my desire to eat in a healthy way.

I suppose it would destructive if I thought I was better than other people because of the weight loss. However, that is not the way I feel. I have known so much shame and failure in regard to food , that I feel my weight loss can be hopeful for other people. In other words, If I can lose weight, anyone can.

Jan 23

A few minutes ago, I found out more details of my family history of child abuse. Apparently, the abuse goes back generations. People that were abusive to me, were themselves abused and so on back in time.

No wonder, that there is also a long family history of compulsive overeating. I know, I felt a need to hide my true self behind a thick layer of fat. I see, I must not be judgmental toward myself or anyone else. I am gaining understanding while I am losing judgmentalism.

I think it is safe for me to allow my true self out. God, please help me do just exactly that.

Jan 24

For years, I tried to exercise my way to health. I did that because I did not want to have to limit food intake. I did not want to limit food intake because it frightened me so badly to do so.

My exercise program is more reasonable now. With my food intake somewhat under control, and my exercise program more balanced I am doing well today.

I actually get more exercise over a few months time than I used to, When I exercised excessively, I frequently injured myself or so exhausted myself, that I would not workout for weeks or months at a time.

Jan 25

This has been a good day. I am eating plenty of veggies now. The scale news continues to be good. I have great support when one of life’s hard things comes my way. I am learning how loved I am and I am better able to receive the love when it is offered.

The key for me was learning to allow my loved ones to support me when I am discouraged. If I get the help I need from family and friends, both the pleasant and unpleasant events of my life end up working for me.

The comfort of food is a most hollow comfort. The comfort of people is rich and satisfying.

Henry was a retired Baptist minister that lived at the Union Rescue in his elder years. He had pastored churches in rural Alabama most of his life. The number of people he touched in his last few years is probably more than I could count in a year of trying.

He was stocky and of average height. My guess is that he was a fine athlete about six decades before I knew him. He always wore a black suit, white shirt and tie. One very hot summer day I asked him if he wouldn’t like to at least take off his tie.

He said, “No, I just would not feel dressed if I did.”

I loved to pray with Henry. He prayed with a soft but intense voice. He constantly rocked forward and back in his chair as he prayed. I always felt drawn into Henry’s love of God in those moments.

Sometimes, when we had finished praying he would begin to say, “O George…O George, George.” That would go on for a moment or two. Then he opened his eyes and would share with me what God had asked him to share. The intensity of his prayer effort often gave his strong, handsome black face a shine that seemed part perspiration and part inspiration.

One afternoon, Henry was sitting in the chapel facing the altar in a seat right next to the aisle. There was no service going on, he was just resting or meditating. There were lots of other people sitting all around him.

I was passing through the chapel from the back, so I was approaching him from behind. As I hurriedly walked past him, I clapped him on the shoulder and said, “God is good”, and kept on walking.

After a few steps I paused. I had expected him to make some reply, but he had said nothing. I stood there afraid that he had a sore shoulder and that I had caused him pain. I turned around to try to see what had happened. He was sitting there wearing his prayer expression, with his eyes closed and looking like serenity personified.

I was no longer in a hurry. I stood there looking at him and loving him. In about thirty seconds he opened his eyes, shook his head gently and said, “He’s better than that.”

I was standing on Holy Ground. I did not want to move. Then he smiled, waved a wave of dismissal, and I moved on; a better man for the experience.

Jan 14

I have had a dessert two days in a row. I felt I had to reward myself after some hard work, by eating a brownie at Starbucks. Yesterday I was served a scoop of ice cream and a piece of supermarket, over-frosted cake. I did not want the cake and ice cream and ate it to be social. At least I did not eat the frosting.

It was hard to do, but I did not feel very much remorse over eating all that greasy sugar. I did feel some shame when my scale showed a gain of one pound.

Weighing myself every day keeps me form compartmentalizing my weight away so I am freer to eat compulsively. On the other hand, weighing myself can provoke unhealthy shame.

Writing this helps. Maybe I should phone someone and ‘fess up. I am not there yet.

Jan 15

More problems. On my bike ride, I went into Rubio’s to get a fish taco. I ended up getting a bean and cheese burrito. Damn that salty grease flavor.

So now I am face to face with the problem of my perfectionism. Because I ate in an unhealthy way today, I can choose to decide that I can never learn to eat healthy. If I do that, I will probably binge. Here is just one more example of how food shame drives unhealthy eating.

By the way, all that grease made me nauseated. I had to sit down for five minutes to avoid throwing up. I got a big drink of water and that settled me down.

Jan 16

The people that love me often invite me over for dinner. They always serve me lots of healthy food, fixed the way I like it. That reminds me of a phrase in the 23rd psalm. “Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies.” Not just a meal, but a whole table full of food.

Where did I get the idea that I was in a battle against the universe to get enough food. God wants me fed abundantly. I can learn to lay down my food terror.

“In the presence of my enemies.” My enemies live inside my own head. They want me to persist in my habitual fear and food shame. God mocks my enemies by setting an abundant table before me, day after day.

Jan 17

I have been doing some resistance training most days. That includes a session on an Ab Lounge.

After one over vigorous session, my stomach muscles were a little sore. As I was watching the Lakers that evening, I noticed that I had a hunger that just seemed to hang on all evening.

I took a few minutes to center myself so I could observe what was going on. I discovered that what I thought was hunger was really just over exercised stomach muscles. Apparently, I interpret all low-level pain in my midsection as hunger.

Since then, I pause for a few seconds to make sure that what I am feeling is really hunger. It is fear that makes hurry a part of all my unhealthy eating.

Jan 18

I had an enlightening experience this morning. I woke up feeling down. If I am going to feel down, that is when it’s going to happen. I went outside to get a paper. A young woman was walking by with her dog which was a pit bull named Sadie. Sadie looked at me like she wanted to be petted. Her tail was wagging energetically.

I asked the girl if I could pet her dog. She said I could. Sadie was so sweet and cute. Petting her was 120 seconds well spent.

I thanked God for the experience because it went a long way toward cheering me up. Then I spent a few minutes absorbing the experience. A long time ago a good friend said, “When something nice floats by you in your stream, take a stick and pull it out. Don’t just let it drift by.” Good advice.

When I thought about the experience, I realized that Sadie had given me more legitimate comfort in a time of need than a whole plate of food would have given me. There was no post binge shame to deal with either.

Jan 19

I used to call myself over-sensitive. One of my therapists taught me to change that to saying that I was exquisitely sensitive.

Being highly sensitive is a great gift. It has enriched my life. However, it is a very tough gift to manage. Being sensitive can eat me alive if I don’t deal with it maturely.

The first thing I try to remember is, ” Don’t take anything personally.” My experience tells me that if I assume the other person loves me, or at least has no intention of hurting me, I am much better off. Most of the time, if I put the best possible spin on each circumstance, I come far closer to the truth than if I tell myself a negative story about what has happened.

In other words I need to learn two things in regard to food.

1. There are far better and more effective ways to handle stress than eating over it.
2. A positive attitude drastically reduces my stress and thereby makes my eating much easier to handle.

Jan 9

I have noticed that my idea of an after dinner snack is changing from something starchy to to a bowl of homemade soup, especially if it is one of Gina’s homemade numbers.

The last six months have been really tough for me emotionally. However I am working my way through. Even though I have early morning anxieties, I come to a deep peace as the day wears on. I have a morning routine that includes toast and coffee, resistance exercise, meditation and writing. That routine carries me through the tough early hours. The Overeaters Anonymous daily meditation book is especially helpful.

Jan 10

I am praying that God will teach me God’s idea of abstinence for me. I also pray that I will be able to achieve that sort of abstinence.

The idea of keeping track of what I eat by writing it down is scary to me. The idea of reporting what I eat is terrifying to me. I guess that means that I am not yet persuaded that my eating is unmanageable.

Is my eating unmanageable? Not in terms of what I eat, because most of the food I eat is healthy. However, I still fight food and weight shame and I still eat to much.

Jan 11

The other day I had some blood work done. I could not eat after 7:00 PM the night before. After the blood work I rushed to a restaurant and had a fried breakfast. I did not eat very much of the egg yolks and only a half slice of the toast. I killed the potatoes and bacon though.

I was very, deeply frightened by the strong hunger. My body was all tensed up and my muscles ached. It was a painful physical and emotional experience. All my blood tests were very good.

I have to wonder if I still have fear of dying left over from the early life whooping cough I contracted. It seemed like a more powerful fear than the fear of death we all have and need as a survival mechanism.

Jan 12

I still have trouble eating when I am not hungry. Sometimes I eat because I can not tell the difference between anxiety felt in my stomach and hunger. Sometimes I eat desperately as if eating now is necessary because I may not have food later.

For example, I have cornbread left over from a salad restaurant lunch. I am not hungry, but I most likely will pour nonfat milk over it and eat it. If I waited till I was hungry, I would enjoy it more.
Yet, I have a strong urge to eat it now. On the other hand, it is not a handful of Oreo cookies and whole milk. As they say in program, progress not perfection.

Jan 13

I have been through many emotional trials in my life. I have also couragely faced many painful memories. I have come to realize that one area that I lack the courage to face is food volume limitations. My food quality is in pretty good shape, but my food quantity is definitely a problem area.

“God grant me the courage” I need seems like the appropriate prayer. The good news about admitting my powerlessness over food is it creates the opportunity in me to humbly ask for God’s help. I guess in time I will come to believe God is able and willing to help me reduce my food volume.

Jan 1,

I think this is my year to lose my extra weight. I can now afford to think in terms of losing weight for several reasons.

1. I do not feel hopeless. Jo’s sense of certainty about my ultimately losing weight just because I am getting healthier emotionally.
2. Gina’s and Jill’s coaching and example in regard to healthy eating have helped me reconfigure the way I eat.

3. I am learning to be comfortable being hungry sometimes. I do not experience the food terror I used to feel.

4. My willingness to talk about food and my weight has radically reduced my food shame.

5. Weighing every day and writing it down has made me comfortable with my weight and keeps me from compartmentalizing my food consumption away from my weight.

6. I am starting to lose weight in a natural way.

7. I less frequently think in terms of losing 60 pounds. Instead, I tend to think in terms of losing 1 pound.

Jan 2

I have lost seven pounds. I have hesitated for days before I could write I this. I felt, “What if I put it right back on?”

So what if I do? If that happens I will simply write that I have regained the weight back or worse that I have gained back more than I lost.

I feel confidant that I will lose the weight by learning healthy eating habits. I also feel confidant that my time has come to move toward weight. But even if all of that is a false hope, my weight no longer defines my person nor dominates my sense of well being.

Jan 3

About fifteen years ago I began praying that I would learn to see food the way God sees food. The first thing I noticed was that I needed to eat more than I enjoyed eating. I read about the French to whom food is apparently an art form to be savored and enjoyed.

Then I noticed that my weight had the power to ruin my day. One weight comment from someone had enormous negative impact.

Then I noticed that eating in front of people was slightly embarrassing. A shared meal was an exercise in trying to control what my meal partners thought about what I ate.

Next I found that I resented alcoholics. When they were sober, no one knew they had a drinking problem. Every single person who ever saw me instantly knew I ate to much.

I have come a long way whether or not I continue losing weight.

Jan 4

One of my favorite life sayings follows:

” My problem is not that I fall into mud puddles, it is that I so frequently stay for a swim.”

There is no place in my life where that is more true than in the area of my eating. I am slowly learning that when I shame myself over my eating, it nearly always results in more overeating.

The gasoline that keeps the car of unhealthy eating running is shame. So far, I have not been able to get rid of the car, but I am learning to keep the damn thing out of gas.

When I eat inappropriately, it is possible for me to learn from my mistakes, then turn the mistake over to God. That way, I can grow.

In other words, I can see how I fell in the mud, learn from it, wash myself off with my higher powers love, and move on, a little healthier.

Jan 6

Comments like this are so helpful to me.

George,
It was good to see you again on my trip to California. Chad showed me your website while I was out there to show me what Blogs are all about. Your Eating Healthy Journal caught my attention as I have been depressed about my own extra weight recently. I was surprised to read that you have carried so much shame around with you for so much of your life. I have met you several times while visiting your daughter & my son but your weight or eating habits was something I never noticed about you. You have so much good stuff going on with you that I can’t understand how you would think anyone would be judging you on something so superficial. You are one of the most caring, giving persons I have ever met and my son is so lucky to have you in his life. You have also raised a wonderful daughter and I am so lucky to have her in my life. I guess we are both very blessed.
Pat