Feb 27

I have weighed in at the same weight for 11 days. I spent some time reflecting on my eating I engaged in, over the last week or so. I found that I have made almost a daily concession to unhealthy eating. The fattening treat I ate one day, somehow disconnected from the treat I ate the next day. I would never let myself fully look at the fact that I was cheating once or twice a day.

I like the idea of conscious eating. In fact, I want to live consciously in every aspect of my life. Too much just floats by me without me noticing. If I want to just let my mind wander, like when I am riding my bike, I want to consciously decide to just let it drift. Of course, I will only be able to live consciously imperfectly. I consciously decide that that is acceptable.

Feb 28

I went to the Clinic this AM for a blood test. Afterwards, I was very hungry. Fortunately, I had some easily prepared food that I liked and that I needed to use up waiting for me at home. I decided just to treat my mild hunger feelings as a good thing that would enhance my food when I got home. I will admit that Burger King sorely tempted me.

I also thought of getting a Maple, Oatmeal, nut Scone at Starbucks. There was a time I felt that I needed Starbucks 4 or 5 times a week. This morning, it did not even sound tempting. It is so encouraging to me, to see my eating preferences change. I also thought of a big egg, bacon, potato, and toast breakfast without it appealing to me.

Mar 1

I am rediscovering the power of prayer. I have been so persuaded that I am powerless over food that I have been fatalistic about the certainty of my eating failures. Using the OA meditation books has encouraged me to feel good power in regard to my eating habits.

The last two days have been eating successes for me. It is not that I feel power, as much as the temptation to eat unwisely is so weak.

Recently, I asked my daughter JoAnna, what would happen if I accepted as my personal reality, all the nice things people say about me.

She said, “Dad, I think you should do that. I want you to get started by giving yourself two affirmations every day starting today. ”

I replied, “O.K. I will. The first one is ‘For a fat guy, I don’t sweat much.”‘

She laughed and said, “No Dad, I won’t accept that. You can do much better.”

That night, I dreamed that I was at a convention. At the convention, dozens of women came up to me wanting to go on a date. The next morning, I told Jo my dream.

I said, “My affirmation for this morning is ‘I am God’s gift to women.’ ”

She said, “Isn’t there something in between ‘For a fat guy I don’t sweat much’ and ‘I am God’s gift to women?’ ”

So, you can see that complimenting myself is not easy for me. It wasn’t easy for my kids growing up either. Let me illustrate.

There were six of us in our family; four girls and my wife and I. The six of us played a game with a die. The youngest girl was #1 on the die. Each of us took a number in age order ending with me at # 6. Playing the game meant that if your number was rolled, you had to respond in the manner the game was requiring.

One of the games called for responding with something for which you were grateful. Another version was to respond with your favorite Christmas gift. We played with dozens of variations of responses.

The variation that was the most difficult for us by far, was when you had to say something you liked about yourself. When we played that version, there were lots of long, thoughtful pauses while the person whose turn it was, thought up something positive they could say about themself and still feel safe. None of us wanted to appear conceited.

In a similar vein, I recently received this e-mail from a trusted friend after I had sent her funny stories I had written where the humor was at my own expense. She wrote:

“Now tell me an equally well written story about a great accomplishment
(besides laughing at yourself and making me laugh out loud!)…I want
it to be blatant bragging!!!”

The woman that sent the e-mail  is much too prophetic for me to ignore her request. The rest of this essay will be me bragging. Continue reading at your own risk.

1.  Both of my degrees were awarded by Azusa Pacific University. Recently, APU celebrated the 100th anniversary of it’s founding. As a part of the anniversary celebration, the school selected 100 graduates as Centennial Graduates. Out of the more than 20,000 graduates in the history of the school, I was selected as a Centennial Graduate.

2. I was president of Union Rescue Mission in Los Angeles. During my tenure, we worked to get a new $30,000,000 mission building constructed. I was a part of the planning, fund raising, city approval process,  architectural design and the initial construction of the building. I was forced out by the board a year or so before the building opened.

The building is one of the most beautiful in downtown L.A. It came in on time, under budget, and paid for. The building was much cheaper to operate than the old building it replaced,despite the fact that it was about three times as large. It is state of the art and won national architectural awards.

3.  After I left the mission, I came back to Main Street for a visit. I saw an old friend whose name was Jerry. I tell his story in a essay called “Jerry’s Story” on this website  in the “Mission Story” category. Jerry had been a mission client both as a guest and as a program member. I knew him very well.

Here is a quote from “Jerry’s Story” spoken from my perspective:

“A few months later, the Mission pressured me out of my job. A year after that, I came back downtown and just walked the streets. I saw Jerry. We talked for a while and he filled me in on the gossip about people I knew. Then he said, George, if they put it to a vote of the homeless people, you’d be president of the Mission again tomorrow.?

I was deeply moved. What he said helped me survive over the next few brutal years.” Jerry’s comment taught me that though I would never work in the new building, my work would always survive in the hearts of the street people.

4.  Mayor Tom Bradley designated a day as George Caywood Day in Los Angeles.

5.  Former President Jimmy Carter, came to URM for a visit. URM refused entry to reporters so there could be a two hour working meeting with Carter. I explained to President Carter that we planned to do more than give services. In addition, we intended to motivate, prepare, and to equip other people and organizations to serve. We also wanted to help others already giving services to expand and improve.

The Mission had already made the idea of motivating and equipping others work. The UCLA Clinic at Union Rescue Mission was being replicated all over the country. President Carter was impressed enough to offer to speak at the dedication of our new building.

6.  The Religious Heritage Foundation awarded me The National Professional Person of the year award for my service to the mission and the City of Los Angeles.

7. In the early 90’s, my book “Escaping Materialism” was published. “Escaping Materialism” sold well. I was told that it was used in almost all U.S. seminaries in their Urban Ministries Dept.

8. National Public Radio has an oral history project called Story Corps. NPR has recorded tens of thousands of ordinary people interviewing important people in their life. The recordings became part of The Library Of Congress.

My daughter Gina arranged to interview me. The recording process went extremely well. A three minute excerpt of our interview was used nationally, as a part of NPR’s 2006 and 2007 Father’s Day programming. The excerpt and the full 50 minute recording are available on this site.

As Gina began to end the interview she said, “My three sisters and I wanted to do something for you Dad. We think you are a great man [choked up voice]. We don’t think you have ever received the honor you deserve. We wanted this interview to be your “Mister Holland’s Opus”.

I responded, “This honor means more to me than if I had received whatever they would call the Oscar for skid row workers”. My voice choked up too.

I used to love to give my friends tours of Union Rescue Mission. It was a large facility and housed many fascinating and even surprising ministries. Seldom was anyone prepared for what he or she experienced the first time through the Mission.

On this occasion, the person I was showing through the mission was one of my professors from my university days. I pulled out all the stops because I wanted him to be impressed.

I am good at masking problems and emphasizing strengths. As a result, my friend was overwhelmed. He later told me that the tour left him feeling like the life he was leading was insignificant next to the work I was doing. That was a clue that maybe I had gone to far selling the Mission.

After the tour, we were standing on Main Street in front of the mission chatting. Two street men walked up to my friend and I, wanting to talk. I knew one of them whose name was Tom. They were both very drunk. They were staggering as they walked toward us and their speech was slurred when they began to talk.

Street men sometimes drink a synthetic, imitation wine that has never seen a grape. When they drink it, it gives the men’s breath a distinctive and very unpleasant odor. These men were giving off that smell as they began to speak.

Introductions were made all around. There was a few minutes of greeting and small talk.

Then Tom, the street man I knew, said, ” George, I am glad to see you.”

Tom then put his arm around my shoulders and turned to his friend. He got a very serious look on his face and with slurred speech said, ” Bob, George here is my good friend. Everything I am today I owe to this man.”

I was shocked. After a moment, I turned to see how my University friend was responding. I did not see him for an instant. Then I looked and saw him squatted down with his back turned a few steps behind me, tears rolling down his face laughing.

I don’t have any memory of what happened after that. I assume we all said our goodbyes and that I went back to work.

I was an enlisted man in the U.S. Army in the early sixties. I served as a Chaplain’s Assistant for two chaplains.

The Baptist chaplain was young. He was a loving, funny, committed man. He had been in the Army only a few years.

I was in constant hot water with my sergeant because I lacked the ability to keep my uniform looking sharp. In particular, I did not keep a high sheen on my boots. Sometimes, the chaplain would shine my boots for me. I think he did it because it gave him such a good chance to tease me.

One time we were on maneuvers in the state of Washington. Our opponent in the maneuvers was one of the airborne divisions. There were plenty of rumors going around about the brutality of the airborne troops. One story was that they hung one of our men upside down from a tree and beat him with sticks. I believed the rumors.

I was not famous for jumping out of bed the instant an alert was sounded.  I had found out that, very often, in the confusion of a dark middle of the night alert, no one would miss me if I did not get up.

However, this night, I did not want to be caught in bed by airborne soldiers for fear of what they might do to me. I slept in my uniform fatigues but without boots.

My  pup tent was right next to the chaplain’s large tent,with my tent’s rear wall parallel with the chaplain’s tent rear wall. That meant that my tent opening faced the same direction as the larger tent’s opening, but was a few feet further back.

The instant the alarm sounded, I jumped up grabbed my boots and  loaded a clip of blanks in my M-1, and stepped out of my pup tent. I leaned my rifle against the large chaplains tent and began lacing my boots.  I was bent over facing my tent opening. Therefore my back was toward the front of the chaplain’s tent.

The chaplain had gone to bed fully dressed and in his boots. When he heard the alert call, he jumped up. He was worried that I had not gotten out of bed. He came running out of his tent to make sure I was up.

I heard someone running up behind me. I was still leaning over. In one beautifully trained move, I grabbed my rifle, kneelton one knee, slipped off the safety, whirled and shot off a blank round.

Blanks have a wax paper stopper compressing the gun powder. When a blank is fired, the stopper comes flying out like it is a bullet. It only travels a few feet, but at point blank range, it is very dangerous.

At the sound of the shot, the figure running toward me stopped in a single step. When he stopped, I could see the cross on his helmet reflecting the moonlight. I was really scared.

I asked, ” Is that you Chaplain?”

After a long pause he said, “Nice time to ask.”

Later he told me that he had felt the stopper whiz by his ear. I was very fortunate that he was not wounded.

I was told that the story of the “Chaplain’s Assistant Who Shot the Chaplain”, made the Stars And Stripes, the Army wide newspaper. The chaplain himself , took enormous pleasure re-telling the story to other officers in my presence.

Years later, a young soldier named Larry was in the army stationed in Germany. A nearby Chaplain asked him to come sing and play the guitar for a  chapel service.

When he arrived at the chapel, the Chaplain asked him where he was from. Larry told him he was from San Diego.

The Chaplain said, “Let me tell you a story about a Chaplain’s Assistant I once had from San Diego.”

Larry stopped him and said, “Let me tell you the story.”Then Larry told him the story I am telling you.

The Chaplain said, “How did you hear that story.”

Larry said, “George Caywood is my Uncle.”

The chaplain glanced down to see what Larry was carrying and said, “I  hope you don’t have a M-1 in that guitar case.”

Eric was one of JoAnna’s first boyfriends. He was a handsome, sweet, bright,  athletic boy. Jo Anna seemed to really like him. They dated for several months.

When they first started going out, Jo invited him to spend the day with her family at our home. We all wanted to support Jo in her romantic adventure. I was on my  best behavior.

The day went well. The family liked Eric very much. For Jo, having her charming sisters around to help entertain undoubtedly eased her early date nerves.

In the late afternoon, Eric and Jo decided to leave. However, they could not find Eric’s tennis shoes.

Jo asked me if I had seem them. I had not seen them so, I organized a search party. I assigned everyone a room  to search.

I said, “Start looking at the immediate left of the door into your assigned room. Then work your way all the way around the room till you come back to the door. Then look under everything in the middle of the room.”

The search took about ten minutes. No luck. We stood around thinking. We knew the shoes were in the house somewhere. Once in a while, one of us would think of a different place to look. Still no shoes. It was baffling.

Finally Eric said “Jo, lets just go.”

She said, “No, Eric, the shoes are here. Let’s stay until we find them.”

Eric insisted. “Jo let’s just leave.” There was emotion and determination in his voice, so Jo agreed to leave.

They went out to Eric’s truck, Eric in stocking feet. I followed them outside. I stood on the edge of the grass, waving good bye.

They drove around the corner until they were out of sight. Then Eric pulled the truck over and started to laugh uncontrollably. Jo sat there wondering what was so funny.

When Eric regained a little control, he said, “I know where my shoes are. They are on your Dad’s feet. When we were standing there wondering where my shoes were, I happened to notice that your Dad’s shoes had a hole just exactly where my shoes had a hole. That seemed odd. Then I realized that they were my shoes.”

Here is what had happened. I had the idea that my family sometimes got embarrassed by some old item of clothing I dearly loved and  was wearing. They would  throw the offending item into the trash when I was not around. A few months before, my Nike’s had turned up missing. I thought the girls had gotten rid of them.

When I saw Eric’s shoes, I said to myself, “My Nike’s”. I was so happy and immediately put them on. They were so comfortable.

All the time we were searching for Eric’s shoes, I had them on. I especially like the picture of me standing on the lawn, affectionately waving goodbye, wearing his shoes.

Eric was embarrassed to take his shoes off my feet. They went to his house and picked up another pair.

Feb 16

My goal today is to get started exercising again. I always feel so much better when I tire my body out some. I plan to ride my bike and to lift some weights.

There was a time that I wanted to exercise so much that I could eat whatever I wanted. The result was that I got so tired that I tried eating in order to re-energize my self.

I have now learned that I want to eat normally in order to feel abstinent. Feeling abstinent is just another way for me to say feeling serene.

Feb 17

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.”

Things God can change but I can not:

1. I am a compulsive over-eater.

2.  My weight

3. The shape of my body.

4.  The shame I feel over how I look.

The more open I am about food, eating, weight, shame, hurts and the like the less power my compulsive overeating has. For example, writing this journal really helps.

Those of you who have responded helped me more than you may realize.

Feb 18

“The courage to change the things I can.”

The things I can change:

1. I can find safe places where I can share openly about my shame.

2. I can ask God to help me desire abstinence.

3.  I can engage in prayer and meditation.

4.  With God’s help, I can resist the temptation to hammer myself after an eating mistake.

5. I can hang around healthy people.

Feb 19

At a meeting I went to a few days ago, I saw a woman who was also in the OA program. I told her I had lost 17 pounds. She was happy for me.

As the meeting was just after Valentines Day, there was a big supply of candy over by the coffee. When  got my coffee I secretly took a piece of chocolate. I slipped around the corner to eat it. I did not want my OA friend to see me indulging my sugar urge.

I quickly realized that my desire to eat secretly was unnecessary. It was part of my old behavior. Secret eating was a powerful part of my eating compulsivity.

I did not fess up to my friend. I guess I need to do that.

Feb 20

Today is a birthday party here at the Senior Housing Center where I live. Normally I eat a small piece of cake and a little ice cream. Because I so seldom eat sweets, the cake and ice cream seem overly sweet to me. No one would care at all if I did not eat the treats, but it makes me feel left out. Or else, if I don’t eat the treats I tell myself I am left out.

I am talking to a very pretty woman. I can not tell if she is interested or just being friendly. My first response is to say, if I lose this weight she might be willing to go out with me.

There is absolutely no doubt that I would be more attractive if I lost weight, both in terms of my appearance and  my confidence. However, trying to lose weight for some one else has never worked for me. I have lost weight that way, but then I just regain it. I am trying for a lifestyle, eating change.

Feb 21

Good news, bad news.

Good news. I stepped away from the party to go to the restroom. While I was gone, they served the cake and ice cream. I could have asked to be served, but I did not.

Bad news. I made a delicious chicken noodle casserole. unfortunately, I used refined flour noodles. I am thinking about throwing it away. I am not sure I could eat it in small portions once a day. It just tastes too good for that.

When I weighed this morning the news was not good. I felt the old scale shame for the first time in weeks. I felt like my days of moderate eating were doomed. I still know that shame drives compulsive eating and is most unhealthy. I have not defeated the shame as of this writing. I have asked for HP help.

Feb 22

I read in a piece of OA literature this AM, that God is like the sun. God shines on everyone. I was surprised that I was surprised brought a loving God to people.

I suppose that there is so much guilt and shame connected with eating in my heart, that I expected judgment from an OA Higher Power. I have never experienced anything negative at a meeting. Still, I read my own self condemnation into those loving people.

A few years ago, my family had a get together at Eric and Jill’s place.  Gina’s Chad, my son-in-law, had his friend and business partner Justin come as his guest. I had never met Justin. I liked Justin the instant I met him.

At the party, Gina was telling funny stories about a visit with her Grandpa. Grandpa was living at an Alzheimer’s Care facility. One of the women who also was a patient at the facility, had a bad habit of grabbing the butt of people who came to visit. Gina warned Chad to watch out for this woman.

During the visit, Chad nervously kept an eye out for the woman. He managed to escape her clutches. However, when Eric and Jill and let down their defenses to say goodbye to Grandpa, the woman struck and got them both.

At the party, we all laughed at the story and made up enhancements to try to embarrass Eric. Unfortunately for us, Eric is very hard to embarrass.

As I began to leave, I gave everyone a hug. As I hugged Justin , I reached down and gave his butt a squeeze. He jumped and then he laughed.

That night on the way home, I fell into terrible self incrimination. I said to myself, “Does the word restraint have any meaning in your life?” I felt very foolish. After all, I had just met Justin.

It worked out OK, because the butt grabbing became a family story told repeatably by everyone including Justin. I am still  consistently teased about the incident.

Another story involves my car, which is a 1982 Volvo. I was driving home from a meeting and decided to stop at a Big Lots which was on my way home. I drove a little past the store intending to make a U-turn so I could park in the Big Lots parking lot.

As I started to make the U-turn, I noticed there was a parking space right at the beginning of the side street. I decided to park there instead.

While I was shopping my mind did a flip. I forgot my car was on the street and became convinced I had parked the car in the lot. When I left the store, I could not find my car. I meticulously searched the parking lot without success. I thought someone had stolen my car.

I was angry. Why would someone steal a car that old? It seemed like driving an old car should exempt me from that kind of problem. I then went to an outdoor phone and called the police.

They took the report. One of the police officers asked me if I had been drinking. I said, “No I had not”. They explained that people stole old cars because they were so easy to steal. One of the officers said,” For some of these guys, a key would slow them down when the car is that old.” I rode the bus home.

The next day I rode my bike to another meeting. At the meeting, I shared that my car had been stolen. I said, ” It is fun to ride my bike to a meeting when I choose to do so. It is not near so much fun when you bicycle because you don’t have a choice.” Everyone was most sympathetic.

After the meeting I decided to go by the Big Lots parking lot in order to look for my car one more time. I could not find it.

I continued on my bike ride home. In a half a block, my route took me by the side street where I had left my car. I was shocked when I saw the car. I thought,” Look at that. They brought my car back”!

At that point I remembered the truth. The car was right where I had left it the day before. I was so embarrassed. I instantly thought, “I’m going to move the car, then tell the police I had found it.”

After a few seconds, it no longer seemed like a good idea to lie to the police. I swallowed my pride and called the them and told them the truth. When the officers came, they were very nice and did the paper work to end the case.

After they left I looked over toward the Big Lots parking lot. When I did, I saw that I could have easily seen the car from the public phone where I had phoned the police. All I would have had to do was to lift my eyes up just a little bit.

The following week, I went back to the same meeting where I had shared that my car had been stolen. I said,”About my stolen car, it is more like my lost car” and told the story. There was uproarious laughter.

At the next group party, our 11 year old friend Carlos,  rushed to the door when I rang the doorbell. He breathlessly said, “Hey George, are you sure you remember where you parked your car?”

The last of these stories also involves Gina and Chad. They came to my 12 Step meeting Christmas party in order to meet some of my friends. It was a delightful time for me.

Gina was on the left end of the couch, Chad was in the middle, and I was sitting at the right end. My arm was on the back of the couch behind Chad.

One of my friends said, “George, Gina sure does not look like you.”

I gave my standard reply. ” That validates prayer.”

Chad said, ” She does look like the milkman though.”

I meant to tap Chad lightly on the back of his head. Instead, I hit him hard enough to bounce his chin off his chest. Gina saw the whole thing and started laughing hysterically Chad just looked shocked. I was horrified.

I apologized profusely, then emailed another apology the next day. Chad thought the whole thing was funny.

A few months later I received the following comment on this website. The comment was from Chad’s Mom.

George,
It was good to see you again on my trip to California. Chad showed me your website while I was out there to show me what Blogs are all about. Your Eating Healthy Journal caught my attention as I have been depressed about my own extra weight recently. I was surprised to read that you have carried so much shame around with you for so much of your life. I have met you several times while visiting your daughter & my son but your weight or eating habits was something I never noticed about you. You have so much good stuff going on with you that I can’t understand how you would think anyone would be judging you on something so superficial. You are one of the most caring, giving persons I have ever met and my son is so lucky to have you in his life. You have also raised a wonderful daughter and I am so lucky to have her in my life. I guess we are both very blessed.
Pat

I was so touched by this comment that I forwarded it to Chad and Gina. Here is Chad’s e-mail back to me in response.

That is a great comment. I guess you made a good impression. I take it you didn’t grab her butt, smack her in the back of the head, or lose her car. Chad.

Feb 10
I have been on a marvelous retreat. It was so healing and encouraging.

I continue to lose weight. I have lost 15 pounds in the last year. I do not mind the scale since it is giving me such good news. I am hoping that my time to be normally weighted is about a year away. If that happens, my knees wil be very happy.

My life is a normal mixture of good things and painful things. The painful things have served to dig up 60 year old pain that was not available to me otherwise. It is a bit like an emotional rotor rooter, but it is well worth it.

The result is the beginning of the deepest peace I have ever known. the peace I am coming to, is not the false peace of buried pain but the peace of a dealt with soul.

Feb 11

Panic time!! Yesterday my scale registered a 2 pound weight gain. I could feel the fear rising. I could not quite fight it off, but I did not become obsessed by it either.

Today, the 2 pound loss is gone. The fear of yesterday reminded me of much it means to me to not put this weight back on.  As a result, I am having less trouble with compulsive eating today.

Feb 12

I am beginning to identify with the folks in OA. They seem so sweet to me. I feel no judgment from them. I have worked so long and so hard on my recovery, that much of the underlying fear is gone. Therefore the OA ideas are easy to absorb.

Nothing I have heard shared in OA seems foreign to me. Sometimes what is shared is more a part of my past than my present, but it all is very familiar.

Feb 13

Someone has said that there is no use praying for “B”, no matter how fervently, if what you want is “A”. My prayers for abstinence are more effective now. I think the reason is that I really want abstinence now.

It seems like yesterday’s prayer is ineffective for today. I need to renew my commitment to abstinence every day.

Feb 14

The thing about praying for abstinence that gets to me, is my fear of failure. If I refuse to let my imperfection worry me, then I am more willing to try abstinence.

Yesterday, I feel I was abstinent except I ate some white rice at lunch. I may have eaten one too many whole wheat tortillas with peanut butter and a little honey. I think that means I was imperfectly abstinent.

That idea gives me some peace. I can see complete abstinence would be a gift for me from my HP.

Feb 15

I lost another pound today. At least the scale said I lost a pound. I go up and down, but week to week, there is a steady downward trend.

I have received some very wonderful encouragement in the past few weeks. Some of the compliments came to me as comments on this website. You can read them below if you like.Â

I am asking myself, “What would happen if I managed to accept the wonderful things people are saying as the truth about myself”. That is a scary thought.

1. Would I slip into arrogance?

2. Would I lose my ability to identify with people in pain?

3. Would I even be the same person.

4. Would that even be delusional?