Dear Tom,

I think of you often and frequently pray for you. I was so happy that the work situation worked out well for you, especially the way you got to go to the job you wanted.

You asked for tools you could use to build your new life. All I have to share is my own experience. My experience is centered around spirituality. I thought I would share some of my ideas.

When my girls were little, we formed a family singing group. We would attend a church, sing, then I would preach. It got so that the children were known as the Caywood girls, as in “The Caywood girls are so cute and charming”.

One day, Jill came to me and said, “Daddy, my sisters and I have been talking. We don’t want to be called the Caywood Girls any more. We all have our own names. We want to be known by Gina, Jill, Janelle and JoAnna”.

Hearing her say that was liberating for me. Until then, I had been trying to approach fathering in a manner that enabled me to treat them equally. After Jill’s comment, I could see that I should be treating them as individuals.

Instead of having the goal of treating them the same, I should try to be the father that each of them needed. I wanted to treat each of them uniquely, based on their particular need. I was willing to appear to be treating them unequally in the effort to treat them appropriately.

I see the same parenting relationship between God and people. God seems to want to work out an individual relationship in cooperation with each person. Each person has the same feeling that my daughter’s had. They want to be accepted for exactly the person they are. They want to be called by their very own unique name.

You have a right to develop the kind of spirituality that best suits you. I think that is the best approach for everyone. That’s why I no longer try to form other people’s spirituality. That puts me between them and God. That not is not only unnecessary, it is destructive.

Therefore, there are countless ways to be spiritual. I have known three in my lifetime. The first is the spirituality I see in my Son-in-Law Chad. Chad does not believe in God. Still, I sense God every time I get near him. Let me share a Chad story.

Yesterday, I was trying to eat a banana and drink some milk so I could take my pain pill. I was recovering from a bout of gout. I did not feel well at all, and had been having diarrhea all afternoon. When I was half way through the milk and banana, I became nauseous and dizzy. I tried to make it to the bathroom, but I couldn’t, because I was I was afraid I was going to faint. I dropped to my knees by my upholstered desk chair and proceeded to throw up right on the seat of the chair. What a mess.

As it happened, Chad, Gina and JoAnna were coming by to bring me some diarrhea medicine. When they got here, they all pitched in cleaning up the mess. Chad took the job of dealing with the seat of my chair. He put the whole chair in the shower, and cleaned it up. That is the way Chad is.

Chad has evolved into the kind of man that every legitimate form of spirituality tries to help humans achieve. I am full of admiration for whatever has made Chad Chad. I choose to see that formational something Chad has found, as spirituality. As Jesus says, “By their fruits you shall know them”.

The second kind of spirituality I have experienced is a church based spirituality. This kind of spirituality did not work for me. However church spirituality has worked extremely well for my sisters. Two of them go to a Calvary Chapel kind of church. My oldest sister goes to a Baptist church now, but for years she went to a Nazarene Church . Their churches all have loving, well developed humanitarian services and all these churches are conservative and Protestant.

My sisters are kind, warm, loving women. They all have found lives of frequent, powerful service. They have been wonderfully good to me. I accept their spirituality as completely valid in their lives even if their church based spirituality did not work for me.

The third kind of spirituality I have experienced is Twelve Step spirituality.Twelve Step spirituality has several foundational ideas. Here are a few that mean a lot to me.

1. “Come to God as you understand him.” I have very rich fellowship in my program and have been helped by liberal and conservative Christians, Agnostics, Hindus, Jewish people and Buddhists. One dear friend has made her cat her higher power. In my program, the subject of our particular religious backgrounds seldom comes up except tangentially in the telling of some recovery lesson.

2. “Take what you like and leave the rest”. The members are encouraged to work out their own recovery in their own way, at their own pace If a member says something that helps me I grab it. If they  say something I do not feel helps me, I just let it go by.

3.”Clean up your own side of the street.” What needs cleaning on the other person’s side of the street is simply none of my business. My business is honesty about my own character defects.

4. The first word of the 12 Steps is “We” Healthy recovery seldom occurs on an individual basis. When I tried to do recovery individualistically, I failed.

Now I want to make some observations about you.

1. You have found ways to work through the incredibly tough last years. That tells me, that you have an deep potential for spirituality.

2. You are a deeply loved and respected member of a wonderful group of people that I have met though Gina and Chad. That tells me that spiritual and emotional growth for you is based on a strong sense of identification with a loving group.

3. I am so touched by your response to my correspondence. I hope this is the beginning of a life long friendship. I hope to have the privilege of watching your growth and development over the years ahead

George