The following ideas have helped me. These ideas have been developing over the years but came together at a wonderful meeting in which “Boundaries” was the topic.

-Boundaries can be developed as I become acquainted with and willing to communicate the secret thoughts that in the past I was too frightened to mention.

-The first thing I need in order to set meaningful boundaries is a powerful determination to be myself.

-The most basic boundary is giving myself permission to say no.

-In setting my boundaries, my need to explain why I set the boundary undermines the believability of the boundary. I may want to give an explanation, but if I am afraid not to explain and justify, you may sense my fear and  want to see if I can be backed down.

-When I was growing up, i set many boundaries; all for other people. “If I do that, she will be mad at me.”  Or  “She likes it when I do that, therefore I have to always remember to do that”.

-The trouble of surviving by constantly searching for what the other person wants is that it leads to a life style in which I am defenseless. If I am searching for clues to what the other people want, I have to take in every nuance of their words, actions, and demeanors into myself. If I do that, I necessarily absorb every negative idea that comes my way.

-If I am trying to please people and not myself, I tend to overestimate the damage potential of other people because I add my negative imagination to what was actually done and said.

-I do better when I do not try to set rigid boundaries. All my boundaries should spring from the 11th step; that is from a search for God,s will. There may be occasions where I want to give up a boundary temporarily. However, It is better if I do not sacrifice a boundary to fear.

-Boundaries based on the gifts of the program tend to be informed by flexibility and love.

- I am better off if I select boundaries that depend solely upon me. “You have to stop screaming at me” is a boundary that depends upon your willingness to comply. “If you scream at me I will simply hang up”, is a boundary that gives me control of my own situation.

-Some boundaries don’t have to be spoken. In that case, my behavior and not my words let you know what behaviors are not acceptable to me.

-I do not think I can effectively set boundaries if I fight against or resent your boundaries.

-Boundaries have a tendency to set both people free.